My Esteemed Colleague’s Online Dating Profile

39 / M / Straight / Single
Beverly Hills, California

My Self-Summary:
I have five donut shops in five countries. Each of them are controlled by remote-control in a secret mountain base hidden beneath my neighborhood laundry-mat. From there, I coordinate which distributors of powdered sugar, glaze material, sprinkles and so forth will win the contract for the following year on our donuts.

I believe in having a self that has a mission in life that serves the people. My donut shops will strategically bring entirely organic, homeschooled donuts to all five continents in each of two ways : 1) Through actual baking, 2) Through re-broadcast on all channels of donuts you’ve actually eaten in the past so you may relive your experience! In this way there is a quality control guarantee.

What I seek is a Queen who wishes to rule over this clandestine empire with me, coordinate it while we wash clothes or seem to wash clothes to the eyes of the unknowing, and rake in the dividends, not only of the immense profits, but of the humanitarian satisfaction in bringing the organic to the folk. Thank you.

What I’m doing with my life:
I bake fish for a living inside my portable submarine. I have added vulcanized rubber tires on the outside along with an electric-powered engine, for environmental support, that enables the submarine to move about on wheels throughout the streets in search of albatross and various barricudi. I ask for sauce from kindly passersby to add a kind of “special ingredient mystery” element to the baking of the fish.

I have done this continuously for every second, for every minute, for every hour, for every day, for every week, for every month, for every year, for every life that I have been alive, and there has been 100% satisfaction on all fronts, in every way, all the time, without any trace of discord or negativity, and I invite you into this private, yet quite lucrative imperial jurisdiction for all experiences, love included.

I’m really good at:
Calculating precise probabilities of various distributions of diverse fish populations in a given, yet entirely random, cubic meter of ocean water. This has proven fantastically hilarious at parties!

I also have invented several vinyl, separately detachable toe-guards to place upon barefoot feet, entirely transparent so the illusion of free and uncumbered foot never is lost, that prevents all toes, even the ones you have, from ever getting stubbed! Isn’t that incredible?

I also have developed, quite deliberate skill in launching vegetable-oriented products upon a 2.347 ratio demographic, lustre the ooze-correlate minus the inverse square root. It makes, garishly and repetitiously, for a scrumptious meal! Bon voyage!

The first things people usually notice about me:
The PVC brightly-sequined basket I have attached to my backside carrying my puppy Joe. He likes to be carried upon my back as I go about my various businesses. Joe is a cross between a terrier and a wolf-spider, and passersby love to pet his multiple tentacles! It is a wonder-laugh, reassured!

Then it would seem, from all reports, that my mechanized, highly mobile, rotating ear-guards, completely satellite-controlled, and polished chrome to an almost sterling quality, draw the attention of many of the plebian audience.

Next, individuals note my common-sense exterior, my textile brocade Firewall 2.0 protection, and various tents of several colors I carry with me everywhere! That exclamation point is to make you happy!!

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
Books : May Corn Be Your Favorite Intercostal Deodorant? by Hallow Krogz, Lipid Fantasia is My Rockabilly Bone Marrow, by Pseudhe Fied, New Rational Strategies for Quintecimal Probability Product Placement, by the New Order Church Production Facility Lab Kennel of 1974.

Movies : I Am Your Vegetable, Sony Bono Meets the Bear, Twix Commercials Like You’ve Never Seen Them, Rabid Dog : New Pet.

Food : I am partial to twined yogurt, or any goulash that has sprinkled fish on it. I am vegan.

The six things I could never do without:
Air, water, food, sleep, hot showers, and BOOKS. If it ever came down to you or books, well … there’s always another girlfriend.

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
William Shatner. His toupee. (And your stance on Shatner is a dealbreaker. Don’t slander the Shats.)

On a typical Friday night I am:

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:
I love you. I’m totally in love with you. I don’t even know you yet, and I feel totally smitten.

You should message me if:
– You believe that your life up to this point has lacked a certain “imperial entrepreneur” flavor and you are hoping to make up for the heretofore complete foolishness of your existence by diving in nose-first into the plausible and likeable realm of co-rulership of the commercial stanza with yours truly

– You have absolute certainty of your own ability to navigate aquatic obstacle courses utilizing one raft of variously twined balsa logs and/or specially treated bamboo, pulled by a team of swans.

– You utilize punctuation and/or spelling with the meticulous compulsion of a laboratory rat animal fed some kind of food-colored and quite aged cereal. Have you spent nights wondering about the ultimate constituents of bread mold? Let’s get laid.

Stallion Cornell: The Movie
Toy Story 3, or, Why Return of the Jedi Sucks

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