On February 10, 2004, the Moist Board was born.
I never intended to have a bulletin board of my own, but in sifting through the dashboard of stallioncornell.com, I discovered that my ISP had built-in software that made creating such a board effortless. So, on a whim, I created my own Galactica-themed board, and I had to give it a name. “Stallion Cornell’s Board” sounded too utilitarian, so, for no apparent reason, I added the word “Moist” to the title, because I think it’s a funny word. According to Salon.com, it’s also the word in the English language most hated by women. You can even join the “I Hate The Word ‘Moist’” group on Facebook if you want to. (If I had to guess, most dudes really hate the word “vasectomy.”)
The board had one rule – no porn. Other than that, everything was fair game.
I never intended the word “moist” to define the whole Stallion Cornell experience, and I even changed the title of the board a few times just to mix it up. But it was too late. It was, and is, the Most Board forevermore, and those silly enough to join me were labeled by the rest of Galactica fandom as the Moistees, Moistards, or, more commonly, the Moist Boys. Sexist? I suppose. There were a handful of Moist Girls, but that sounds a lot dirtier than Moist Boys, and their hatred of the titular word probably scared most of them off. (I think the word “titular” is pretty funny, too.)
We Moist Boys went out of our way to mock the hardcore Ron Moore supporters who had taken over the official SciFi.com board that was once our home. In the midst of the adulation for the remade Galactica, which we Moistees referred to as GINO, or Galactica In Name Only, Moist characters like ViperFred appeared on the official board to complain about Moore’s use of Cylon Juice and wolverines, which confused those who didn’t notice the Cylon Juice or the wolverines in GINO. (Although, in a webisode before the third season, Moore introduced a bottle of Cylon Juice in a direct homage to Moist. Ron Moore’s wife, Terry, became a huge Moist Board fan and even posted over there every once in a while.)
Mocking Ron Moore was an important part of the Moist experience, but we had an even higher priority – mocking Languatron.
The thing that Languatron never understood, and still doesn’t understand, is that when it comes to Battlestar Galactica, most of the Moist agree with him on principle – the principle being GINO sucks. Where we part company is in our methods. Languatron is comfortable invoking Osama bin Laden as the template for his GINO opposition, whereas we tend to be more reasonable, functional folk who don’t like having Lang as our spokesman.
When Langy was banished from Cylon.org, that began his “lost years,” when he couldn’t find any respectable board that would let him post for more than a few days. Once he found such a board, the Moist Boys would swoop in like flies on crap and mock him mercilessly, which would annoy the board’s owners and hasten Lang’s inevitable banning. My favorite episode in this era was the world famous Gref Dafflebaum Incident, which I have chronicled extensively elsewhere on this blog.
Lang finally solved this problem by setting up his “Fun Fortress,” a board all of his own. In order to avoid being harassed, he decided the board would only have one member – Languatron. Only he could post there. And post there he did! I provide my favorite post from the Fun Fortress days, which highlights Lang’s xenophobia and racism:
Everything goes hand in hand in the United States of America, doesn’t it? The Bush Administration keeps the MEXICAN BORDER wide open in our “post 9-11” world (COMPROMISING OUR NATIONAL SECURITY) in order to provide CORPORATE AMERICA with CHEAP LABOR and “ILLEGAL ALIEN CONSUMERS.” This in turn led to the INCREDULOUS decision within Universal/Sci-Fi Channel to have a hispanic as one of the primary cast members in GINO. We know why Universal/Sci-Fi Channel did this, don’t we? So that all of the “ILLEGAL ALIEN HISPANICS” sitting on their A—S in the United States and LIVING off of the TAXPAYERS MONEY can sit in front of the BOOB TUBE and hopefully provide GINO with SEMI-MARGINAL RATINGS. I don’t know which is more disgusting. The Bush Administration TOTALLY SELLING OUT to CORPORATE AMERICA and JEOPARDIZING our NATIONAL SECURITY, or the Universal/Sci-Fi Channel corporation RIDING PIGGY BACK on the NON-EXISTENT MORALS of Bush & Cheney.
Edward James Olmos is obviously an independent thinker aware of his surroundings. Therefore, it is SHAMEFUL that he would either consciously or unconsciously allow himself to be used in such a manner. Olmos is obviously an intelligent individual proud of his heritage, yet he would allow himself to be used as a “Token Cast Member” in order for Sci-Fi Channel to engage in yet another CHEAP SHOT in trying to attract viewers?
Here we are in the midst of what Sci-Fi Channel likes to affectionately refer to as a “Second Season”, yet before the SPIN DOCTORING RATINGS WIZARDS at “SCI-FI” get their hands on GINO’S hardly impressive ratings and WARP THEM INTO FICTION, “SCI-FI” has FEEBLE RATINGS no better than the first season. So, trying to use Edward James Olmos as an “ILLEGAL ALIEN MAGNET’ just ISN’T WORKING, is it? Yet, there Olmos is. All geared up and ready for a few more episodes with the ETERNAL FROWN ON HIS FACE. How much longer is Olmos going to stick around to try and pull in the ILLEGAL ALIEN VIEWERS who successfully traversed the MEXICAN BORDER without getting SHOT?
I know one thing. If this is the DEPTHS that Sci-Fi Channel has SUNK to in order to try and attract viewers, I’ll stay clear of the channel so as not to VIOLATE the AMERICAN CONSTITUTION by encouraging its DECIMATION by BIG BUSINESS and CORPORATE AMERICA.
-Languatron at his “Fun Fortress,” “Is Edward James Olmos Attracting The ‘Illegal Alien’ Demographic?” – July 22, 2005, 09:36:44 AM
These days provided some of Langy’s nastiest rants, but they weren’t available for long. Why? Well, Lang built the Fun Fortress on the premise that only he could post there. But then he started checking his IP logs to determine who was reading his stuff. His theory was that if you were interested enough to visit his board, you were obviously a Universal Studios executive and/or Glen Larson.
So he started banning the IP addresses of everyone who visited.
Eventually, he made it so only registered members could read the board, and, since he was the only registered member, only he could read it. People continued to bring this to his attention, and he continued to ignore them. Obviously, anyone who couldn’t read his board was, by definition, a Universal executive.
Since Langy thinks everyone other than him is a Universal Studios exec, then that’s just about right.
Tomorrow: Events are in motion!