I have a dilemma. Perhaps you can help me.

This blog is getting more traffic than ever before, and all my newfound power is going to my head. As of now, I am a very big, important, influential person – the Soul of the Age, if you will – and soon, my mighty words will shape your every thought, mold your every whim, fashion your every – well, whatever. You get the idea. Point is that I’m a big deal. People know me.

This also comes on the heels of my massive success as a professional musician. My track “I Am a Cow” from the financial-failure-but-critical-triumph Stallion Cornell debut CD Stalker Tunes has now been sold not once, but twice. I have netted over $1.50 for my efforts. It just keeps getting better, because, in the words of John Lennon, “it can’t get no worse.”

So, keeping in mind the majesty of myself, how would you respond to the following email, which I received early on Monday afternoon:

Dear Brother Cornell:

A friend sent me your excellent blog article on Mitt Romney as “Stake President of the United States”. It really expresses the “inside view” we see as members of the Church but is so hard to convey to others!

I am a “convert” of 34 years and still enthusiastic about the gospel! I find it difficult to express the “inside view” to my friends who do have biases against the church. Sometimes, I just share “gospel principles” without naming them as such, just so, when the appropriate moment arises, I will have prepared them to open their hearts/minds more fully.

Would you please tell me the context meaning of your blog’s title “Stallion Cornell’s Moist Blog”?

I may be missing a more current meaning, but the nuance of “moist” has a somewhat racy innuendo. (Unless you are referring to downing a “root beer”, physically spitting out opinions, or the sweat on a  wild stallion. I am talking about the worldly “connotation” in the title, not the views you express. (I love what you write!)

I know if I share the blog article that some of my friends will click on your link. Unfortunately, some of my friends are very “worldly

Thank you so much.

_________

Donna’s concerns are not new. More than once, I’ve gotten into trouble with people who don’t realize that a Mormon guy could record spiritual thoughts on a site titled “Stallion Cornell’s Moist Blog.” I once interviewed for a job down at BYU and they asked me for a writing sample. I gave them a link to one of my more brilliant articles, and the guy called back and said, “The link you sent me is wrong. It pulls up a page on something called ‘Stallion Cornell’s Moist Blog.'” I explained that that was me, and, I’m sure for completely unrelated reasons, I didn’t get the job.

The name “Stallion Cornell” raises issues, since, to many, it sounds like a porn star name a la George Costanza calling himself “Buck Naked.” (You can see it at :25.)

Still, I don’t think I could part with the Stallion Cornell pseudonym. In my very first blog post, I recounted the name’s origins, although, looking back on my explanation, I left a few things out, such as the Senior Yearbook Quote incident.

Back in 1986, as a senior at Calabasas High School, I had to come up with a fancy quote for the yearbook to sum up my entire public educational experience. My first choice was “A fart on Thomas Putnam!” from Arthur Miller’s The Crucible, but despite the phrase’s impeccable literary pedigree, it didn’t make it past Mrs. Farnsworth’s keen gift for censorship. So I came up with this bit of wisdom:

“If man had to eat everything he killed, there would be no war.”

I attributed it to Stallion Cornell. I thought that line was pretty funny at the time. In retrospect, however, it’s more vegan than funny. Much better was Foodleking’s quote:

“If it moves, bet on it. If it doesn’t move, eat it.”

This was attributed to “The Honorable Lee Shagin,” the greatest high school civics teacher who has ever lived and a man who rose to national prominence by means of his crusade against low-flow toilets.

No, Stallion has too illustrious a history to abandon now. The Salt Lake Tribune called it a “rakish pseudonym” when it was attached to a rewrite of the Tuacahn Center for the Arts’ (hopefully) final version of the musical Utah! And were I to abandon Stallion Cornell, who would be left to battle Languatron? “Languatron vs. Stallion Cornell” is the stuff from which epics are made. It wouldn’t have nearly the same panache if it were just some guy in Utah vs. another guy in Chicago who still lives with his mother. 

Alas, I don’t have that same kind of affection for the word “moist.”

My interest in that word goes back quite a ways, when a friend of mine told me that is was the one word she hated above all others. Turns out she’s not alone – with women, the word “moist” is the most hated word in the English language.

That made me laugh. What’s the big deal? Cookies are moist. Cakes are moist. So are other unmentionable things, I suppose, but that wasn’t my point. It was just a funny word that I threw into the mix. Allow me to quote myself in order to explain further.

I never intended to have a bulletin board of my own, but in sifting through the dashboard of stallioncornell.com, I discovered that my ISP had built-in software that made creating such a board effortless. So, on a whim, I created my own [Battlestar] Galactica-themed board, and I had to give it a name. “Stallion Cornell’s Board” sounded too utilitarian, so, for no apparent reason, I added the word “Moist” to the title, because I think it’s a funny word… I never intended the word “moist” to define the whole Stallion Cornell experience, and I even changed the title of the board a few times just to mix it up. But it was too late. It was, and is, the Moist Board forevermore.
 – Stallion Cornell, “Reign of the Moist Boys,” June 2, 2010

That board still exists, yet it hasn’t reaped the benefits of this blog’s newfound prominence, and I feel no pressure to change its name. But I added the word “moist” to this blog as an afterthought, with no consideration for the idea that it might drive people away.

Which is why I now open up the question to you. Does the word “moist” keep you from embracing all things Stallion? Should I drop it altogether? Would there be a substitute word that might serve as a better alternative? What should I call this thing? Do you like my socks? Until I get a suitable answer, I’ve removed the word “moist” from the board’s masthead, and I’ve titled this blog “Stallion Cornell’s Blog Previously Known as Moist.” Has kind of a Princely ring to it, I think.

You’ll also notice I didn’t even mention the Yul Brynner head until now.