Yes, I’ve watched the Republican debates. Yes, I have strong opinions about them. Yes, I’ll write about them. Don’t rush me.
I don’t know why I’m so reticent to talk about Election 2012. It’s not that I hate the non-Huntsman candidates – it’s just that I have absolutely no enthusiasm for them. Nothing in these debates has changed that. I find I’m rooting for Romney, so I must still be a Romney guy. I do think he’d make the most competent president, but that’s hardly the fire in the belly that creates the do-or-die loyalty to stirs men’s souls. (Vote Romney! He’s competent!)
So let’s start at the bottom, shall we?
Every time Little Jonny Huntsman opens his mouth, I want to throw something at the TV screen. Our erstwhile governor touts his jobs record and his state’s accomplishments as if he actually noticed such things were happening at the time. In fact, Jon Huntsman all but ignored the business of his office and abandoned Utah at the first opportunity. (In his defense, he’s a great example of what people can accomplish when their governor gets out of their way.) When he touts his “private sector” experience, I wonder if he’s speaking of his work at Marie Callendars when he was in high school, because that’s the last real job he’s had. He was appointed to be ambassador to Singapore in his twenties, and his very rich pop got him appointed to a string of equally meaningless positions until he ran for governor in 2004 and won on the basis of his father’s name.
On Monday night, when he called Rick Perry a traitor because he thought a massive fence along the border was an unworkable idea, it was delightful to watch the paranoid smile that crept over his face as the audience booed him. This man reeks of entitlement, and I have to admit that it’s kind of fun to see him getting his teeth kicked in for the very first time.
Ron Paul is a colossal embarrassment. When he’s talking about subjects unrelated to Federal Reserve conspiracies or the sins of the United States, he’s actually refreshingly blunt and almost reasonable. His response to Wolf Blitzer about charitable health care was thoughtful and inspired. But when he starts questioning Israel’s right to exist and regurgitates Bin Laden talking points about the cause of 9/11, you have to wonder who let this guy loose to mingle with actual people.
Speaking of which, is there a non-laughable reason they let Rick Santorum continue to participate in these debates? He’s earnest and heartfelt, but he’s just extra noise, and the time he sucks up would be better spent hearing from people who actually have a snowball’s chance in hell of being elected president of the United States.
Herman Cain is just extra noise, too, but his noise is more fun to listen to than Santorum’s is. He’s got no shot at all, but he’s honest and funny. He reminds me of Morry Taylor, another rich dude who didn’t realize that America isn’t willing to use the presidency as an entry-level position into politics. (If you said “who?” when you read the name Morry Taylor, keep in mind that that’s exactly what everyone will say in two years when you say the name Herman Cain.)
Then we get to Newt Gingrich.
Alas, Newt makes the most cogent points, the most reasoned arguments, and the strongest case against Obama. If I were coming in from Mars and didn’t know that Newt had served divorce papers to his wife while she was dying of cancer, and that he’d been having an affair with his soon-to-be third wife while he was criticizing Clinton for the Lewinsky mess, he would be my guy, hands down. He’s easily the smartest guy in the stage, and he might actually have had a shot if he’d kept it in his pants.
I’m told Michelle Bachmann is a nutjob. She may very well be a nutjob, and, like Mary Kaye Huntsman, she’s married to a self-loathing, closeted gay man. She’s said really stupid things on the campaign trail – Hooray! I was born in the same town as a serial killer! – but she keeps her own nuttiness in the closet in these debates, and I find myself not despising her. Her attack on Rick Perry for forcing dangerous cervical cancer inoculations on 12-year-old girls was far more powerful and heartfelt than Romney’s cynical attempts to do the same. Perry has essentially coopted her Tea Party support and removed any reason for her candidacy, but I don’t resent seeing her on the stage in her long-shot attempt to undermine Rick Perry’s inexplicable lead.
Which brings us to Mr. Perry.
I honestly don’t get it.
So this is the Tea Party darling. Why? He took a number of very reasonable positions in the Tea Party debate that should tick off the loons. His immigration stance isn’t nearly screwball enough to satisfy the TPers, and when he had an opening to stick the knife in Romney for Massachusetts health care, he refused to take it. I actually found myself in the awkward position of agreeing with him more than almost anyone else and yet loathing him more than any of the candidates except the two bottom feeders. (In case you’ve forgotten, that would be Huntsman and Paul.)
Why? Is it because I’m so loyal to Romney that I viscerally despise the guy who may take the nomination from him?
Well, maybe. But one of the things that is so frustrating is to see how unprepared Perry seems on most of the issues. He’ll say things that are relatively reasonable, but he sounds as if he’s just thinking about them for the first time. He’s timid; he’s clumsy; he’s strangely low-key. And yet he manages to display his lack of preparation with an arrogant swagger that I find extremely off-putting. Mr. Perry, what right do you have to act so sure of yourself when you’re clearly not so sure of yourself? (Mrs. Cornell, incidentally, quite likes Mr. Perry and thinks I’m just jealous that I don’t look as good in cowboy boots.)
And then there’s Mitt. He’s a much better candidate this time around, and he has yet to be caught flat-footed by anyone. He gives as good as he gets, and he even manages to fake looking passionate about it. I just wish I believed that he believed in anything.
So, as of now, I’d be willing to vote for any of the top six candidates before I’d vote for Obama, who I view as a well-intentioned but failed president. I have no real enthusiasm for any of these folks, which makes election season far less fun. However, in the event that either Paul or Little Jonny secures the nomination, I will spend the next year and a half as a full-time, rabidly enthusiastic, unpaid volunteer for the Obama reelection campaign.
Comments are closed.