Funniest Languatron Story in Years

I know not everyone has an interest in the lunacy that is Languatron, but this story is just too funny. 

It seems that Languatron has a bulletin board – “Langy’s Fun Fortress.” He created it over three years ago after being banned from several respectable and semi-respectable bulletin boards. In order to prevent such a thing happening again, and also to avoid actual criticism or debate, he disabled his board’s registration. 
He therefore has a bulletin board at which he is the only one allowed to make any posts. 
Now that’s stupid enough in and of itself. Except that he then took it another step further. He checked his IP logs on a regular basis and started banning repeat visitors from even viewing his board. Why? Because if they were interested in what Lang was writing, then, clearly, they were Universal Studios spies. So anyone who read the board regularly was summarily banned from reading it. 
But wait. It gets even dumber. 

Wittingly or not, Lang modified the board so that only registered users could read it. Remember, his board has only one registered user – himself. For the past two or three years, the board where only he could post has been a board that only he can read. People keep bringing this to his attention, but he ignores them, insisting anyone can read it, and the fact that you can’t is a sign of your affiliation with the pure evil that is Universal Studios. 
Check it out for yourself. Then come back here for the rest of the story. If it were possible, it gets even sillier. 
See, over at, the only board where people can actually interact with the Lang, he has been boasting for months now about all the IP addresses of mine that he’s confiscated. I’ve ignored his unreadable board entirely, yet he insists that I’m using “fake IPs” to keep trying to “crash” it. But Lang is on the job – he grabs each and every IP that comes along. He refers to them as “confiscated” or “captured,” and has said I’ll “never be able to use them again” and that I’m “running out of them.” It’s like he has his own IP address cattle ranch, and he’s poaching all of my livestock. 
Anyway, he recently posted the entire list of the IPs that are in the Languatron stockade, and it’s a formidable list, indeed. I asked him, therefore, how he knew that all of those were mine. 
Here’s his answer, verbatim:
“[My stats software can] tell if there is more than one visitor a day and by golly, no matter how many IP addresses the board gets per day, it’s only registering one visitor. Fake IP addresses can’t fool the software, the software knows it’s the same idiot.”

I read that and almost soiled myself laughing. See, there’s a difference between hits and visits. His software is telling him what we’ve been trying to tell him for years now – as the only registered member, only he can visit the actual board.  Yet all these hits continue come in, whether they’re Google spiders or whatever, and since the board only logs one visitor, he assumes they’re all me. 
What he also doesn’t understand is that, even if I am every IP address under the sun, he’s admitted that his board only gets one visitor per day. He’s just too stupid to realize it’s him. 
That’s all. You may now return to your regularly scheduled life. 

What are you wasting your time here for?
And I'm somewhat miffed...

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