Bad Children’s Television

So a Facebook friend asked me to name:

1. The ugliest car on the road
2. The worst television show in history
3. The most annoying children’s show on air today.

My answers were:

1. Not into cars so I can’t name brands. My old minivan qualifies, though. 130,000 miles, a huge dent on the side, and a weird spoiler on top to make the whole thing look “sporty.” We traded it in two weeks ago and got 1500 bucks for it.
2. Galactica 1980, where they find earth. Kids with flying motorcycles and Wolfman Jack. Blech.
3. It begins and ends with Barney.

I thought those were fine answers, but he corrected me with the following:

The correct answers:
1. The Aztec. Unparalleled ugliness. The Edsel is beautiful by comparison.
2. Small Wonder.
3. Caillou. Barney is freakin Citizen Kane. You must find it and try to watch for more than 30 seconds. Mu-ah-hah-hah

Now I have no idea what an Aztec looks like, and I have no idea what Small Wonder is. But I have to concede that’s he on to something when it comes to Caillou.

Caillou is creepy.

The woman who voices the four-year-old kid sounds like a schoolmarm doing an infant impersonation. And the whole thing is narrated by puppets that sound like they’re being voiced by octogenarians. The frames of the show are unfinished, as if they’re part of some watercolor masterpiece. I don’t really understand why. The whole thing feels like it was created by an academic committee in the Canadian Department of Education. Which, I think, it was.

But I still think Barney is worse. Barney makes people violent. Including me.

One thing about Caillou that I thought was cool was taken away from me. I remember when I first heard the theme song, I thought, instead of singing “Growing up is not so tough/’Cept when I’ve had enough,” they were singing “Growing up is not so tough/SUCKS when I’ve had enough.” I thought that was pretty cool, but no.

Now I’m thinking about bad children’s television. I can’t be blamed for what I might do.

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