Is there anyone else who remembers Lynn Bryson? I sure hope not.
When I was a missionary in Scotland, one of my companions had a copy of a tape titled “Rock and Roll and the Occult,” wherein Mr. Bryson, a supposed “music industry insider,” exposed the fact that the record industry was run by demons who were slathering for your immortal soul. In the age of the Internet, you’d think this piece of dung would be online somewhere, but I can’t seem to find it. Perhaps I’m doing more damage to the world by reminding it that this hooey ever existed, but I’d hate for it to be flushed down the memory hole completely without letting it leave few skidmarks on the people who read this blog.
For those of you who missed it, Bryson claimed that Jefferson Airplane encouraged people to leave their bodies in order to contact demons during concerts, that John Lennon literally sold his soul to a devil who came to collect by means of Mark David Chapman’s gun, that “Hey Jude” is an ode to heroin, and, of course, that a plethora of artists encourage Satanism, drug use, and general debauchery by means of “backward masking.”
Take Queen’s famous anthem “Another One Bites the Dust.”
You play it as recorded, and you can clearly hear Freddie Mercury sing the title lyric. But if you play it backwards, he can allegedly be heard encouraging impressionable kids to “start to smoke marijuana.” At least, that’s what Lynn Bryson hears. Others have listened to it and decided that he’s saying “It’s fun to smoke marijuana.” In my estimation, he’s saying “Hash is smog on the water,” which is a clear warning against imbibing hashish while boating.
Decide for yourself:
Wow! And look! President Obama was saying “Thank You, Satan!” backwards every time he said “Yes, We Can!”
And we all knew that Dora the Explorer was really saying “Hail, Satan,” “Keep your sweater up,” and “Hail Shambooh for Christmas.” (I’m thinking Shambooh is Satan’s ghost whale.)
Okay, fine. Personally, I think this is ludicrous nonsense, and that there are plenty of reasons to avoid Dora the Explorer, but this isn’t one of them. Most rock music can’t be understood when it’s sung forwards! Why should anyone be held accountable for what you imagine they’re saying when the recording is reversed? Am I that incapable of controlling my own destiny that Queen can get me hooked on reefer by means of incomprehensible reversed gibberish?
I vote we all be held accountable for everything we say, forward and backward.
So anyone who says “It’s rough, Rod – my wife’s sweet!” is secretly saying “You smell like barf farts.”
And if you happen to mutter “Moose! Gonna meow. I ain’t lyin’,” you’re actually asking, “May I eat your eye with a spoon?”
And yesterday, when you noticed “That seed’s not forgotten – a seedless grape,” what you really meant was, “Dance with me, Satan, on a puppy’s head.”
I eagerly await my record contract. And beware – Lynn Bryson won’t be there to save you when you’re dancing on Fido with the Prince of Darkness, eating an eyeball with a spoon whilst the fetid air reeks with the stench of barf farts.