Every time Stallion tried to engage in battle with Languatron, though, it went nowhere. To him, I was just another Universal Executive, or Neuromancer in disguise. I had to take a different approach.<\/p>\n
But what?<\/p>\n
During this time, heated rumors about Galactica\u2019s revival prospects were flying all over the place, and everyone on the board was poring over every scrap of possible information that would offer clues about whether Universal Studios was seriously considering Richard Hatch\u2019s plan, or whether they might revive Galactica some other way. Soon, director Bryan Singer and producer Tom DeSanto, fresh off their X-Men success, were attached to the project, and everyone wanted to be in the know.<\/p>\n
In the midst of all this, someone named Baltar4 appeared on the boards.<\/p>\n
For whatever reason, Baltar4 seemed to have the inside scoop on what was going on. At least, he did to those who were willing to give credence to his cryptic statements, which were short, strange, and seriously misspelled. I found it a little more than ironic that people were willing to give such credence to someone with such blatant contempt for the English language.<\/p>\n
But, surprisingly, Languatron was paying attention to him, too. And it seemed as if he was able to distinguish between Baltar4 and everyone else. So if I could piggyback on that somehow, I could truly rattle his cage.<\/p>\n
So Baltar5 was born.<\/p>\n
His first post was titled \u201clnaguatron=LOSER!\u201d<\/p>\n
And here\u2019s what it said:<\/p>\n
\u201cOK lets rumble, languatron, you loser. I know who you are and what you stand for. I know your behind in your child support payments. I know that you think BSG is just a big joke and just something to play with. Well I know this to. I know that you suck and that you hate people and that you used to be in the marines. And zathras was there so he can back me up because you suck. Do you want some cheese with your whine loser? LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZER!<\/p>\n
Let me tell you something else, “langua-tron” or should I say Vinniy? Because you suck! And you couldn’t suck more if you tried, lou! You know lou zer!<\/p>\n
YOU SUCK OUT LOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\u201d<\/p>\n
–\tBaltar5, lnaguatron=LOSER, 4\/18\/2001<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I shouldn\u2019t be proud of this, but it makes me chuckle heartily to look back on it a decade after the fact. The poor spelling and grammar is clearly deliberate, and the final YOU SUCK OUT LOD is just a bit much. But Languatron took the bait, all right \u2013 he posted the following just minutes after Baltar5\u2019s debut:<\/p>\n
How many times have I told you Baltar4? The number
\n4 comes before 5, and 5 after 4. I guess you missed
\nthat episode of Sesame Street. Now go back to
\nstudying the “Flash Cards” Universal Execs are
\nissued with their paychecks.<\/p>\nI love your “snappy retorts” in arguments, Baltar4.
\nJudging from your last post, I don’t have a damn
\nthing to worry about.<\/p>\n…And you guys are making the movies and tv shows
\nwe all watch? That explains “Josie
\n& Bullwinkle in Bedrock”…..<\/p>\n– Languatron, \u201cSesame Street Time for Baltar4,\u201d 4\/18\/2001<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Baltar5 commented on this post, too. In a reply titled \u201cLOU!,\u201d Baltar5 said \u201cHey, Lou you know lou zer!\u201d To which Stallion Cornell couldn\u2019t help but offer his own reply. \u201cHe\u2019s got you there, Languatron,\u201d Stallion said, probably a little too quickly after Baltar5 posted. Languatron ignored Stallion and aimed all his subsequent fire directly at Baltar5.<\/p>\n
That set the template for the battle that raged over the next few weeks. Lang and Baltar5 posted nasty things, and Stallion would, every now and again, come in with a quip to make light of the situation. He was joined by Neuromancer \u2013 AKA Neuro \u2013 and RGrant, perhaps the funniest and most gifted writer to join in on the fun. Other people joined in, too, but I don\u2019t remember them as well.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s a typical Lang missive from the fires of that particular flame war:<\/p>\n
How reassuring it is to know, that from the founding
\nof the studio system in the early 20th Century, to
\nthis very moment, the studios have staffed people
\nwith an utter hatred and contempt for the public
\nthey are supposedly in business to entertain.<\/p>\nNowhere is this hatred more evident, than within
\nthe confines of Universal Studios. Egomaniacal,
\nOpinionated, Stuck-up, Chameleon-esque, Schizophrenic, Emotionally Disturbed, Paranoid,
\nChildish, Self-Absorbed, and Psychotic Executives
\nat Universal Studios have not only spent 22 years
\nof their worthless lifes trashing the “Greatest
\nSpace Fantasy Adventure Series” of all time, but
\nalso feel so thoroughly justified in such actions,
\nthey crash B-Boards such as this one under endless
\naliases, holier than thou attitudes, and fractured
\nEnglish personas.<\/p>\nBaltar5 is one of many Universal Executives, who
\ndearly hates the public his employer manufactures
\nentertainment for. Regardless of Baltar5’s holier
\nthan thou attitudes, regardless of his hatred for
\nthe public and Battlestar Galactica, and regardless
\nof his hate filled behavior he feels is justified
\nfor the sake of satisfying Universals Corporate
\nAgendas, he still has a fragile intellect that was
\nfinally broken via my last post, when he responded
\nwith babbling rhetoric that has nothing to do with
\nthe Battlestar Galactica tv series. Mindless one
\nmoment, rhetorically pointless the next, Baltar5
\nmanifests his hatred for Battlestar Galactica and
\nthe public, in infinite ways mapped out in the
\nbitter sweet memory of what once was “The Black
\nTower”.<\/p>\nThe future of Corporate America is indeed here.
\n-And what I see in Baltar5 disgusts me. A self
\njustified, corrupt representative of Universal
\nStudios, who by his very actions, boldly
\nannounces that “Universal Studios can mistreat
\nBattlestar Galactica anytime they want to, simply
\nbecause they own it.” This is what the movie
\nand tv industry has degenerated into, and Baltar5,
\nwho goes through this life worshipping no God,
\nadhering to no sense of what is right and wrong,
\nand only worships what those who sign his paychecks
\ntell him to do, will find his reward with a worthless
\nlife that will ultimately yield him nothing.<\/p>\nI assume Baltar5’s latest “kick” will now be
\nflooding this B-Board with rhetorical nonsense
\nthat has nothing to do with the Battlestar
\nGalactica series, (no doubt a psychological tactic
\ndevised by Studio Execs to ward off criticisms of
\ntheir business tactics, and a futile attempt to
\nproject a false sense of authority on B-Boards),
\nmy criticisms of Baltar5 and his employer, will
\nnow intensify.<\/p>\n–\tLanguatron, \u201cAnd Baltar5 Reaffirms Studio Contempt,\u201d 5\/15\/2001<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
As his \u201ccriticism intensified,\u201d so did Stallion\u2019s mockery thereof. I wrote the following teleplay right after I read Lang\u2019s post above. It includes appearances by people you may not have heard of, but, rest assured, Lang hated them. That\u2019s all you need to know.<\/p>\n
———————-<\/p>\n
The movie in Languatron’s mind:<\/p>\n
INSIDE THE ANTI-GALACTICA CABAL: A series twenty-two years in the making!<\/p>\n
(The scene is a dank, smoky boardroom in Universal Studios. This particular board room is extra dank. Around the table are our cast of villains \u2013 Stallion_Cornell, FroidDroid, Zathras_Scorpious, Neuromancer, and some short guy.<\/p>\n
Mr. Big is sitting at the head of the table, smoking an illegally imported Cuban cigar. He laughs an evil laugh.)<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: Ha ha ha!<\/p>\n
OTHER UNIVERSAL TOADIES: Ha ha ha! (The short guy in the corner coughs. There is an awkward silence. Then Zathras_Scorpious whips him with a cat o\u2019 nine tails.)<\/p>\n
SHORT GUY: Ouch!<\/p>\n
ZATHRAS_SCORPIOUS: Ha ha ha!<\/p>\n
SHORT GUY: (With tears in his eyes) Ha ha ha!<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: Finally, our fiendish plots have reached fruition! With your last few posts, the wheel will have turned, and Battlestar Galactica will be finally be destroyed, once and for all! Ha ha ha!<\/p>\n
OTHER UNIVERSAL TOADIES: Ha ha ha!<\/p>\n
SATAN: Ha ha ha!<\/p>\n
NEUROMANCER: But what about Languatron, Master? He\u2019s on to us!<\/p>\n
MR. BIG; Curses! Languatron, my arch-enemy! Despite all my best efforts, he just KEEPS\u2026 ON\u2026 POSTING\u2026MESSAGES!<\/p>\n
ZATHRAS SCORPIOUS: It\u2019s horrible! He\u2019s going to ruin our chances to drive a final stake though Galactica\u2019s heart!<\/p>\n
STALLION CORNELL: Excuse me, but wasn\u2019t Galactica already dead?<\/p>\n
(There is an audible gasp.)<\/p>\n
NEUROMANCER: What did you say?<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: Who dares defy Mr. Big?<\/p>\n
STALLION CORNELL: Why, \u2018tis I, Stallion Cornell! Champion of the oppressed and father of twins! Plus I look great in a bathing suit!<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: You dare question our hatred for the dreaded Battlestar Galactica?<\/p>\n
STALLION CORNELL: Well, if you want to kill a TV show that\u2019s been off the air for twenty-three years, I don\u2019t think it\u2019s wise to revive it under the direction of two of Hollywood\u2019s most talented young writer\/directors. It sends the wrong message.<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: Well, what did you have in mind, smarty pants?<\/p>\n
STALLION CORNELL: I don\u2019t know. Wouldn\u2019t it be wiser to just let it sit on a shelf and rot?<\/p>\n
SHORT GUY: He\u2019s right! That\u2019s how we finally killed off Sheriff Lobo!<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: Silence! This is Universal Studios! We are far too evil for that! Bring out\u2026 Baltar5!<\/p>\n
(There is an audible gasp. The short guy wets his pants.)<\/p>\n
FROIDDROID: Not… Baltar5!<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: Desperate times call for desperate measures.<\/p>\n
(A large metal door creaks open in the far corner of the room. Fog billows out of the opening, and as the smoke clears, a chimpanzee with a wizard\u2019s hat steps out of the darkness.)<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: Give that chimp a computer!<\/p>\n
BALTAR5: OOOOO EEEE AH AH AH! (He runs across a computer keyboard furiously.)<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: Read that back to me.<\/p>\n
SHORT GUY: (looking at the screen) It says “fsxhksvhj;bvuyerjhzknxn”<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: Add something like “Languatron, you suck!”<\/p>\n
NEUROMANCER: (typing) That ought to do it!<\/p>\n
SHORT GUY: But wait! There\u2019s more! Now he\u2019s typing something about creation myths!<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: Yeah, well, give a monkey a typewriter, and someday he\u2019ll type the complete works of Shakespeare.<\/p>\n
SHORT GUY: That\u2019s in here, too!<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: Post it all! All of it!<\/p>\n
(There is another audible gasp. The short guy explodes spontaneously.)<\/p>\n
ZATHRAS SCORPIOUS: Languatron will have no defense against this kind of keen, explosive hatred!<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: Yes, but Languatron is just one man. What can one man do?<\/p>\n
STALLION CORNELL: Wait! I just checked the board again! There\u2019s a new message from Languatron!<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: What does it say?<\/p>\n
STALLION CORNELL: It says he\u2019s on to us, and that his CRITICISMS of UNIVERSAL STUDIOS will now ONLY INTENSIFY!!!!!!!!<\/p>\n
MR. BIG: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!<\/p>\n
(Then the black tower collapses in sensurround. There are no survivors, except the short guy\u2019s mother.)<\/p>\n
– Stallion_Cornell, “And Langy is lost in a paranoid miasma,” 5\/15\/2001<\/p>\n
———————-<\/p>\n
So what became of such childish sophistry? Pretty soon, Lang announced that he knew who I was, and he knew where I lived.<\/p>\n
More to come\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Everytime Stallion tried to engage in battle with Languatron, though, it went nowhere. To him, I was just another Universal Executive, or Neuromancer in disguise. I had to take a different approach.But what?During this time, heated rumors about Galactica\u2019s revival prospects were flying all over the place, and everyone on the board was poring over ... Read more<\/a>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-585","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/585","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=585"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/585\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4982,"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/585\/revisions\/4982"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=585"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=585"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=585"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}