This post will focus strictly on clinical medical data, which some of you might find useful, particularly if you\u2019re considering getting a prostate exam. This may have the unintended consequence of sending most of you screaming out into the night, so if you proceed beyond this point, viewer discretion is advised.<\/p>\n
Still here? You can\u2019t say I didn\u2019t warn you. I wouldn\u2019t share this experience with you, except that my wife thinks it\u2019s really funny, and she believes protecting my privacy is less important than having a laugh at her husband\u2019s expense. So, without further ado, I take you back about three years or so, when I discovered I was peeing more than I thought was normal.<\/p>\n
I consulted with a urologist, who asked me to return for an exam. \u201cWe\u2019ll do some x-rays and other stuff,\u201d he said nonchalantly. What he should have said was, \u201cWe\u2019ll do some x-rays\u2026 AND OTHER STUFF! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!\u201d It\u2019s all in the emphasis, really.<\/p>\n
I came back and drank some nasty goop that made it easier for the x-rays to map my urinary tract, and, at first glance, the technician couldn\u2019t see any problems. They then asked me to come back later that afternoon for the other stuff, which I naively assumed would be more x-rays. That doesn\u2019t make sense in hindsight, because if that were the original plan, they would have said, \u201cWe\u2019ll do some x-rays\u2026 and then we\u2019ll do some more x-rays.\u201d I didn\u2019t anticipate what the \u201cother stuff\u201d would entail, because it\u2019s forbidden for the mortal soul to peer into the very depths of hell. The technician\u2019s cackling should have tipped me off, but as you can tell from reading this blog, I\u2019m really not that bright.<\/p>\n
So I came back, and they told me to take off my pants \u2013 never a good sign \u2013 and to put my feet up in stirrups. This would have been a familiar setting to any of you who have regular gynecological exams, but for people with penises, this is not typically part of the program. It\u2019s especially awkward when the urologist\u2019s assistant, a fairly attractive young woman in her mid-to-late twenties, strolls into the room when your middle-aged manhood is on full display. As a good Mormon boy, I\u2019ve reserved that view exclusively for my wife only, although she\u2019s never had it with that particular presentation.<\/p>\n
I should know the name of that assistant, because she has the unique distinction of being only the second woman to lay hands on my apparatus during my adult life, and the first to do so without the clergy\u2019s consent. She was holding a syringe full of liquid, which I presumed was some sort of local anesthetic, although I was put off by the very large needle on the end.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere does that go?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cRight here,\u201d she said, with the tube in one hand and \u201chere\u201d in the other. She injected what she called a \u201clubricating gel\u201d directly into an orifice that until that moment had always been \u201cexit only,\u201d if you know what I mean.<\/p>\n
\u201cTrust me, you\u2019re going to want that later,\u201d she said, which, honestly, is probably the worst pick up line I\u2019ve ever heard.<\/p>\n
She left and returned with the doctor a few minutes later, and he brought with him a medical instrument designed by Savonarola during the Spanish Inquisition. I didn\u2019t get its exact measurements, but I can say without exaggeration that it was approximately seventeen feet long and between two and three miles wide.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is going to hurt, isn\u2019t it?\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
The doctor blinked a couple of times and then said, \u201cIt\u2019s going to be\u2026 uncomfortable.\u201d And Mount Everest isn\u2019t really huge; it\u2019s just \u201csizeable.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then the expedition began.<\/p>\n
Choosing a verb here requires a certain delicacy. Should I go with \u201cinsertion?\u201d \u201cPenetration?\u201d \u201cViolation?\u201d \u201cDude rape?\u201d How does one describe the full fury of a huge friggin\u2019 stick rammed straight up your schlong? I\u2019ll leave that one to the philosophers.<\/p>\n
It was excruciating, and it went on forever. The guy was rooting around, digging in deeper, all the while telling me \u201cit\u2019s much easier if you relax.\u201d People who hear those words are seldom the same afterwards.<\/p>\n
It must have ended eventually, since I\u2019m still alive. Then I heard a huge rush of running water, like someone was drawing a bath. Turns out it was me, relieving myself involuntarily as the lovely assistant held a receptacle at the bottom of the urine waterfall. That\u2019s not my favorite way to end a first date, but I\u2019m way out of practice.<\/p>\n
It also turned out that the gel wasn\u2019t just a lubricant; it was, indeed, an anesthetic, and once it wore off, there was a lot of pain. And spasming. And \u2013 yick – blood. Going number one was a ten on the pain scale, and I had very little control as to when and where I did it.<\/p>\n
Immediately after the exam, I had to go pick up the kids, who were playing at their cousin\u2019s house. I called Mrs. Cornell on my cell phone to tell her I had the children in tow, when suddenly it happened.<\/p>\n
\u201cAhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d Mrs. Cornell asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m wetting myself! I\u2019m wetting myself!<\/span>\u201d<\/p>\n We traded in that car right after that. If you ever find yourself buying a 1998 Saturn SL sedan, know that some things are not necessarily included in a CarFax report.<\/p>\n By the way, my prostate\u2019s fine, and the urination problem went away with a few changes in my diet. But if it ever comes back, I intend to pee eighty times a day if necessary and keep the whole thing to myself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Thispost will focus strictly on clinical medical data, which some of you might find useful, particularly if you\u2019re considering getting a prostate exam. This may have the unintended consequence of sending most of you screaming out into the night, so if you proceed beyond this point, viewer discretion is advised. Still here? You can\u2019t say ... Read more<\/a>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-240","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/240","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=240"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/240\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=240"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=240"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stallioncornell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=240"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}