Sorry I provided no fresh material yesterday. My wife has been gone at our ward girl\u2019s camp, and it\u2019s been up to me to pick up the slack. In addition, the subject matter from my previous post takes a bit more time to fully absorb.<\/p>\n
In keeping with my wife\u2019s edict to tell funny stories, I\u2019ve been racking my brains to come up with something, but I\u2019m not as interesting as I thought I was. When we discussed various topics, I kept coming up with stories about old girlfriends, many of which are funny but would probably be inappropriate to revisit now that I\u2019m a happily married dude. For instance, I don\u2019t want to say much about my pre-mission girlfriend who flew up to Salt Lake from LA to ruin my homecoming and dump me upon my return, only to start calling me again after she\u2019d married another guy from my mission. It\u2019s a sad tale, more creepy than funny, and given the effort it took to get her to finally leave me alone, I\u2019d rather not give that woman any indication of my current whereabouts.<\/p>\n
Then there\u2019s the story of my first real girlfriend, who I bumped into in a Waldenbooks in Westwood during my senior year at USC, only to discover she\u2019s now a bisexual polygamist. I met her husband and<\/span> her wife, and personally, I wasn\u2019t attracted to either of them. I tried to appear open-minded about the whole thing, but I\u2019m not that good at hiding my feelings, especially when I\u2019m seriously grossed out. \u201cThis shouldn\u2019t be that hard for you to accept,\u201d she said, \u201cgiven your Mormon background.\u201d Yeah, well, Brigham Young did many things, but as far as I can tell, he never did them with other dudes.<\/p>\n There was the very pretty girl that I dated for awhile until she freaked out after I took her to a Spinal Tap concert at the Universal Amphitheatre. It was actually a church activity; we went with several other couples in the USC Ward. But when I started singing along to \u201cBig Bottom,\u201d complete with lyrics like \u201cBig Bottom\/Big Bottom\/ Talk about mud flaps\/My girl\u2019s got \u2018em,\u201d it was the beginning of the end.<\/p>\n I took another girl with a funny last name \u2013 if she\u2019d have married me, she would have been able to lose the \u201cHornbuckle\u201d moniker – to a Bruce Springsteen concert and then, I think, to a movie, but she wasn\u2019t all that keen on me. She was in the ROTC and told me after our second date that she liked \u201chard men with tight butts.\u201d I didn\u2019t qualify on either score, but in my defense, I didn\u2019t really have much of a butt at the time.<\/p>\n My favorite one to remember, though, probably deserves a post all her own. She\u2019s certainly the loudest girl I\u2019ve ever dated. She was a fellow acting student at USC, and during my sophomore year, she got baptized into the LDS Church by her boyfriend \u2013 not me \u2013 and the whole thing was done in Chinese, because the boyfriend had served his mission in Taiwan. She decided to speak at her own baptism, and she proceeded to yell at everyone in the room about \u201ctaming your sexual urges\u201d and \u201ckeeping it in your pants.\u201d It\u2019s that kind of uplifting counsel that the Ensign always seems to overlook.<\/p>\n As the only other LDS acting student, I became something of a mentor to her, accompanying her to the off-campus LDS Institute for instruction on all things theological. She always made those classes… interesting. There was the one where, during a discussion on temple marriage, she interjected that she wanted to \u201cmarry a guy who will look at me when he\u2019s ninety years old and still get hard.\u201d Then there was the one where she came to class in short shorts and a jog bra. Good times.<\/p>\n She was never really my girlfriend, although when things went sour with the Chinese-speaking dude, we had a couple of smooching sessions that were plenty of fun. We stayed good friends throughout my USC years, although she drifted away from the church entirely not too long after her baptism. She was working her way through school \u2013 a very expensive thing to do at USC tuition prices. She did this by waiting tables at an all-night diner. In the later years of our education, she would arrive at school half asleep, and there was no telling what would come out of her mouth then.<\/p>\n It was in that state that, on one occasion, she decided to come back to church with me. The male sacrament meeting speaker at the pulpit was giving a talk about how children are a blessing from the Lord, and this girl yelled out at the top of her lungs, \u201cEasy for you to say \u2013 you don\u2019t have to give birth to \u2018em!\u201d It\u2019s the first and last sacrament meeting I\u2019ve attended that\u2019s included a heckler.<\/p>\n In retrospect, it’s easy to romanticize the whole dating experience, but the truth is that I vastly prefer being married to dating. In addition, I vastly prefer my wife to any of the girls I dated.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"SorryI provided no fresh material yesterday. My wife has been gone at our ward girl\u2019s camp, and it\u2019s been up to me to pick up the slack. In addition, the subject matter from my previous post takes a bit more time to fully absorb. In keeping with my wife\u2019s edict to tell funny stories, I\u2019ve ... 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