The Baltar5 Bloodbath

Every time Stallion tried to engage in battle with Languatron, though, it went nowhere. To him, I was just another Universal Executive, or Neuromancer in disguise. I had to take a different approach.

But what?

During this time, heated rumors about Galactica’s revival prospects were flying all over the place, and everyone on the board was poring over every scrap of possible information that would offer clues about whether Universal Studios was seriously considering Richard Hatch’s plan, or whether they might revive Galactica some other way. Soon, director Bryan Singer and producer Tom DeSanto, fresh of their X-Men success, were attached to the project, and everyone wanted to be in the know.

In the midst of all this, someone named Baltar4 appeared on the boards.

For whatever reason, Baltar4 seemed to have the inside scoop on what was going on. At least, he did to those who were willing to give credence his cryptic statements, which were short, strange, and seriously misspelled. I found it a little more than ironic that people were willing to give such credence to someone with such blatant contempt for the English language.

But, surprisingly, Languatron was paying attention to him, too. And it seemed as if he was able to distinguish between Baltar4 and everyone else. So if I could piggyback on that somehow, I could truly rattle his cage.

So Baltar5 was born.

His first post was titled “lnaguatron=LOSER!”

And here’s what it said:

“OK lets rumble, languatron, you loser. I know who you are and what you stand for. I know your behind in your child support payments. I know that you think BSG is just a big joke and just something to play with. Well I know this to. I know that you suck and that you hate people and that you used to be in the marines. And zathras was there so he can back me up because you suck. Do you want some cheese with your whine loser? LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZER!

Let me tell you something else, “langua-tron” or should I say Vinniy? Because you suck! And you couldn’t suck more if you tried, lou! You know lou zer!

YOU SUCK OUT LOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

– Baltar5, lnaguatron=LOSER, 4/18/2001

I shouldn’t be proud of this, but it makes me chuckle heartily to look back on it a decade after the fact. The poor spelling and grammar is clearly deliberate, and the final YOU SUCK OUT LOD is just a bit much. But Languatron took the bait, all right – he posted the following just minutes after Baltar5’s debut:

How many times have I told you Baltar4? The number
4 comes before 5, and 5 after 4. I guess you missed
that episode of Sesame Street. Now go back to
studying the “Flash Cards” Universal Execs are
issued with their paychecks.

I love your “snappy retorts” in arguments, Baltar4.
Judging from your last post, I don’t have a damn
thing to worry about.

…And you guys are making the movies and tv shows
we all watch? That explains “Josie
& Bullwinkle in Bedrock”…..

– Languatron, “Sesame Street Time for Baltar4,” 4/18/2001

Baltar5 commented on this post, too. In a reply titled “LOU!,” Baltar5 said “Hey, Lou you know lou zer!” To which Stallion Cornell couldn’t help but offer his own reply. “He’s got you there, Languatron,” Stallion said, probably a little too quickly after Baltar5 posted. Languatron ignored Stallion and aimed all his subsequent fire directly at Baltar5.

That set the template for the battle that raged over the next few weeks. Lang and Baltar5 posted nasty things, and Stallion would, every now and again, come in with a quip to make light of the situation. He was joined by Neuromancer – AKA Neuro – and RGrant, perhaps the funniest and most gifted writer to join in on the fun. Other people joined in, too, but I don’t remember them as well.

Here’s a typical Lang missive from the fires of that particular flame war:

How reassuring it is to know, that from the founding
of the studio system in the early 20th Century, to
this very moment, the studios have staffed people
with an utter hatred and contempt for the public
they are supposedly in business to entertain.

Nowhere is this hatred more evident, than within
the confines of Universal Studios. Egomaniacal,
Opinionated, Stuck-up, Chameleon-esque, Schizophrenic, Emotionally Disturbed, Paranoid,
Childish, Self-Absorbed, and Psychotic Executives
at Universal Studios have not only spent 22 years
of their worthless lifes trashing the “Greatest
Space Fantasy Adventure Series” of all time, but
also feel so thoroughly justified in such actions,
they crash B-Boards such as this one under endless
aliases, holier than thou attitudes, and fractured
English personas.

Baltar5 is one of many Universal Executives, who
dearly hates the public his employer manufactures
entertainment for. Regardless of Baltar5’s holier
than thou attitudes, regardless of his hatred for
the public and Battlestar Galactica, and regardless
of his hate filled behavior he feels is justified
for the sake of satisfying Universals Corporate
Agendas, he still has a fragile intellect that was
finally broken via my last post, when he responded
with babbling rhetoric that has nothing to do with
the Battlestar Galactica tv series. Mindless one
moment, rhetorically pointless the next, Baltar5
manifests his hatred for Battlestar Galactica and
the public, in infinite ways mapped out in the
bitter sweet memory of what once was “The Black

The future of Corporate America is indeed here.
-And what I see in Baltar5 disgusts me. A self
justified, corrupt representative of Universal
Studios, who by his very actions, boldly
announces that “Universal Studios can mistreat
Battlestar Galactica anytime they want to, simply
because they own it.” This is what the movie
and tv industry has degenerated into, and Baltar5,
who goes through this life worshipping no God,
adhering to no sense of what is right and wrong,
and only worships what those who sign his paychecks
tell him to do, will find his reward with a worthless
life that will ultimately yield him nothing.

I assume Baltar5’s latest “kick” will now be
flooding this B-Board with rhetorical nonsense
that has nothing to do with the Battlestar
Galactica series, (no doubt a psychological tactic
devised by Studio Execs to ward off criticisms of
their business tactics, and a futile attempt to
project a false sense of authority on B-Boards),
my criticisms of Baltar5 and his employer, will
now intensify.

– Languatron, “And Baltar5 Reaffirms Studio Contempt,” 5/15/2001

As his “criticism intensified,” so did Stallion’s mockery thereof. I wrote the following teleplay right after I read Lang’s post above. It includes appearances by people you may not have heard of, but, rest assured, Lang hated them. That’s all you need to know.


The movie in Languatron’s mind:

INSIDE THE ANTI-GALACTICA CABAL: A series twenty-two years in the making!

(The scene is a dank, smoky boardroom in Universal Studios. This particular board room is extra dank. Around the table are our cast of villains – Stallion_Cornell, FroidDroid, Zathras_Scorpious, Neuromancer, and some short guy.

Mr. Big is sitting at the head of the table, smoking an illegally imported Cuban cigar. He laughs an evil laugh.)

MR. BIG: Ha ha ha!

OTHER UNIVERSAL TOADIES: Ha ha ha! (The short guy in the corner coughs. There is an awkward silence. Then Zathras_Scorpious whips him with a cat o’ nine tails.)



SHORT GUY: (With tears in his eyes) Ha ha ha!

MR. BIG: Finally, our fiendish plots have reached fruition! With your last few posts, the wheel will have turned, and Battlestar Galactica will be finally be destroyed, once and for all! Ha ha ha!


SATAN: Ha ha ha!

NEUROMANCER: But what about Languatron, Master? He’s on to us!

MR. BIG; Curses! Languatron, my arch-enemy! Despite all my best efforts, he just KEEPS… ON… POSTING…MESSAGES!

ZATHRAS SCORPIOUS: It’s horrible! He’s going to ruin our chances to drive a final stake though Galactica’s heart!

STALLION CORNELL: Excuse me, but wasn’t Galactica already dead?

(There is an audible gasp.)

NEUROMANCER: What did you say?

MR. BIG: Who dares defy Mr. Big?

STALLION CORNELL: Why, ‘tis I, Stallion Cornell! Champion of the oppressed and father of twins! Plus I look great in a bathing suit!

MR. BIG: You dare question our hatred for the dreaded Battlestar Galactica?

STALLION CORNELL: Well, if you want to kill a TV show that’s been off the air for twenty-three years, I don’t think it’s wise to revive it under the direction of two of Hollywood’s most talented young writer/directors. It sends the wrong message.

MR. BIG: Well, what did you have in mind, smarty pants?

STALLION CORNELL: I don’t know. Wouldn’t it be wiser to just let it sit on a shelf and rot?

SHORT GUY: He’s right! That’s how we finally killed off Sheriff Lobo!

MR. BIG: Silence! This is Universal Studios! We are far too evil for that! Bring out… Baltar5!

(There is an audible gasp. The short guy wets his pants.)

FROIDDROID: Not… Baltar5!

MR. BIG: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

(A large metal door creaks open in the far corner of the room. Fog billows out of the opening, and as the smoke clears, a chimpanzee with a wizard’s hat steps out of the darkness.)

MR. BIG: Give that chimp a computer!

BALTAR5: OOOOO EEEE AH AH AH! (He runs across a computer keyboard furiously.)

MR. BIG: Read that back to me.

SHORT GUY: (looking at the screen) It says “fsxhksvhj;bvuyerjhzknxn”

MR. BIG: Add something like “Languatron, you suck!”

NEUROMANCER: (typing) That ought to do it!

SHORT GUY: But wait! There’s more! Now he’s typing something about creation myths!

MR. BIG: Yeah, well, give a monkey a typewriter, and someday he’ll type the complete works of Shakespeare.

SHORT GUY: That’s in here, too!

MR. BIG: Post it all! All of it!

(There is another audible gasp. The short guy explodes spontaneously.)

ZATHRAS SCORPIOUS: Languatron will have no defense against this kind of keen, explosive hatred!

MR. BIG: Yes, but Languatron is just one man. What can one man do?

STALLION CORNELL: Wait! I just checked the board again! There’s a new message from Languatron!

MR. BIG: What does it say?

STALLION CORNELL: It says he’s on to us, and that his CRITICISMS of UNIVERSAL STUDIOS will now ONLY INTENSIFY!!!!!!!!


(Then the black tower collapses in sensurround. There are no survivors, except the short guy’s mother.)

– Stallion_Cornell, “And Langy is lost in a paranoid miasma,” 5/15/2001


So what became of such childish sophistry? Pretty soon, Lang announced that he knew who I was, and he knew where I lived.

More to come…

Loon Lang
Languatron: Potential Terrorist?

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