Loon Lang

Languatron was a lone wolf. That is to say, some people agreed with some of the points he made, but nobody interacted with him on a personal basis. He didn’t seem to have any recognizably human characteristics – it was all business with him all the time, and his business was complaining about what was happening to Battlestar Galactica.

Pretty soon, his complaints got more specific – and far, far nastier. The reason Battlestar Galactica was not being revived, it seems, is because the evil executives at Universal Studios were engaged in a massive, worldwide conspiracy to keep the show canceled.

Now, given the fact that the show was canceled over three decades ago, I’m betting that keeping it canceled required minimal effort. Nobody, for instance, has ever been engaged in a conspiracy to keep The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo off the air, as far as I can tell. “Battlestar Galactica Remains Canceled” is about as shocking a headline as Chevy Chase’s Saturday Night Live one-liner: “Our top story tonight: Generalissimo Francisco Franco Is Still Dead!”

But, nevertheless, our friend Languatron was convinced there were evil doin’s afoot, and he was holding everyone’s feet to the fire – especially the Universal Studios executives themselves. And if they got to close to the flame and burned up, well, all the better. Pretty soon, it wasn’t just DVD problems that had Langy all hot and bothered – it was the fact that Universal Studios was defying divine justice.

They aren’t fooling me. I know there is
a Corporate Mission Statement emanating
from Universal Studios Management, which
filtered down to Sci-Fi Channel, to
destroy Battlestar Galactica once and
for all.

So help me God. If Universal Studios and
Sci-Fi Channel harms the Battlestar Galactica
series in any way, I will pray to God, and
won’t stop praying to God, until God punishes
each and every executive responsible for
harming this series. And if these executives
think that they are beyond Gods Dominion,
they had better think again. Because these
executives will suffer Gods wrath at some
point, in their pathetic little lives.
Destroying Battlesar Galacticas original
format and characters will harm the public.
Thank goodness God is Infinite enough to
see it happen, so he can devise the appropriate punishment for each executive responsible for it.

– Languatron, “God and Studio Politics Don’t Mix,” www.scifi.com, 2/7/2001

Batten down the hatches – we’re in full-scale loon mode now.

Let’s step back briefly from the rather disturbing content we’ve found here and take a moment to note some of the tell-tale marks of Lang’s unique style. (Trust me, this will come in handy later.)

First of all, the tight margins are not a formatting choice for this blog – they were present in the original messages. That made Languatron’s posts visually distinctive from everything else published on the SciFi.com Board. In addition, you notice here that Languatron doesn’t use an apostrophe S when he describes “Battlesar Galacticas original format.” His lack of a “T” in “Battlestar” is simply a typo, and a casual observer could, in good faith, believe that his lack of an apostrophe S is a typo, too. But battle-hardened Lang veterans know better. (More on that as we go along.)

There. I think we now have a sufficient buffer zone between Langy’s apocalyptic fervor so that we can dispassionately discuss what he actually said. There’s no question it’s kind of scary, and Languatron used the religious motif for a number of his screeds. One post was written entirely as an online prayer for God to strike down the unholy Bonnie Hammer, the CEO of the Sci-Fi Channel. Seems like a rather harsh consequence to me, although one is left to wonder what the heaven-sent “appropriate punishment” would be for executives torturing a defunct TV show.

Indeed, Languatron’s specific theology is often hard to pin down. For a brief moment, some of his posts cited doctrine from the Christian Science movement, as Languatron posited that perhaps the characters destroyed in the Cylon attack on the Twelve Colonies of Man still lived in the Divine Mind. It was a very powerful argument in favor of an afterlife for fictional people. Or, if not powerful, it was, at least, very, very angry, which is as close to powerful as Languatron tends to get.

For the most part, the Church of Languatron involved lots of smiting. Serious, serious smiting. God will smite those who defy His television show and throw them into a lake of fire and brimstone, and Languatron will be there to roast marshmallows.

Weirdness on this scale is hard to ignore, and soon Languatron found himself in arguments with people who, while Battlestar Galactica fans themselves, were more than a little uncomfortable with having Languatron as their spokesman.

So now we add a new character to our story: a fellow who went by the name of Neuromancer.

Neuromancer, it seems, agreed with me, in that he didn’t think Richard Hatch’s ideas for a Galactica revival were any good. Unlike me, he didn’t retreat when he got flamed by the Hatch supporters, and he was completely unafraid of confronting Languatron head on.

That led to this little gem:

The Devils Horns continue to sprout from
the skulls of Universal Studios Executives,
and their defenders.

Neuromancer is not a Galactica fan. If he
was, he wouldn’t be attacking Richard
Hatch’s blueprint for original format
restoration. Neuromancers real purpose
in Galactica fandom, is to assist Universal
Studios in their procrastination of not
giving Galactica fans what they want.

If you’ll notice, the ONLY TIME Neuromancer
appears, is when Universal Studios Executives
are being attacked. Neuromancer doesn’t
even care if he is attacked personally.
But oh boy!!! As soon as I start jumping
on Universal Studios Executives, and the
company itself, out jumps Neuromancer in
his Halloween mask, and tin foil sword,
ever ready to defend Universal and its
executives like a White Knight with Post
Nasal Drip.

In the entire time Neuromancer has home
invaded our B-Boards, he has done nothing
but criticize and condemn Galactica and
Richard Hatch, whenever Universal Studios
Executives were attacked. That is just too
much of a coincidence, which serves to
prove Neuromancers affiliation with
Universal Studios and Glen Larson.

– Languatron, “Neuromancer Won’t Attack Sci-Fi Channel?” www.scifi.com, 2/12/2001

There’s much about Languatron that is difficult to understand. (Case in point: what’s the significance of a white knight with post nasal drip?) But at the top of the list of Langy conundrums is his obsessive hatred for Glen Larson.

If you watched television in the late 20th Century, odds are the name Glen A. Larson appeared on your screen more than a few times. Mr. Larson was the very prolific television producer who created shows like The Six Million Dollar Man, Knight Rider, Magnum P.I., and, of course, Battlestar Galactica. One would think that our friend Languatron would show a little gratitude to the man who fashioned the object of his obsession. But for Langy, the creation was to be revered, but the creator was to be reviled. In fact, Languatron was convinced that Glen A. Larson wasn’t the creator at all – he ostensibly stole the idea for Galactica and was now part of the grand design to keep Galactica buried.

Consistent with the theme of good vs. evil, there were only two sides in this battle: Languatron and everybody else. Both sides were monolithic; it was impossible that two people could independently conclude that Languatron was off his rocker; all those who opposed him were obviously in collusion. So Neuromancer wasn’t just someone who disagreed, he was “affiliated” with Universal and Glen Larson.

During this time, I remained unaffiliated. But after reading more than my fair share of this stuff, I couldn’t resist jumping into the fray.

Angry Young Languatron
The Baltar5 Bloodbath

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