Great, Great News.

Turns out the Obama administration, now that the election is over, has decided to shut down 1.6 million acres of federal land here in the West that was slated for oil shale development. As part of his so-called “all of the above” energy policy, he’s decided that “all of the above” energy means “all of the above except energy that’s cheap, efficient, and creates actual jobs that aren’t funded by taxpayers.”

Personally, I think this is fabulous news. Just like he did when he scrapped the Keystone Pipeline, which would have created tens of thousands of jobs in the midst of the most pathetic economic recovery in living memory, Obama has decided that the livelihood of thousands of westerners and the insatiable energy demands of a nation buckling under the financial and national security pressures of foreign oil procured in large measure from governments that fund terrorism aren’t nearly as important as protecting the pristine scrub pit that is the desolate Eastern Utah desert, which legend tells us is where the ancient Native American gods used to deposit their divine turds in the form of tumbleweeds and sludge.

Global warming is a concern, too. Producing actual energy increases carbon emissions, doncha know. So why not sacrifice employment paying a living wage to thousands of real people on the altar of political correctness to fulfill an entirely symbolic policy which 100% of scientists grudgingly admit will have no measurable effect on the climate whatsoever? Throwing eastern Utah and similar oil-producing locales into an even deeper depression is a small price to pay for an empty, expensive gesture that accomplishes nothing in the pursuit of its ostensible goal but does manage to kick the local economies of four states squarely in the gut.

This is the America you voted for, fellow citizens: crushing fuel prices, decisions that deliberately increase unemployment, and growing dependence on the good will of Middle Eastern thugs to keep our cars running, all in order to protect the sanctity of some godforsaken wasteland with oil that could fuel our nation for generations that will instead be placed off limits forever so that our children and grandchildren will have the opportunity to stare out over a muddy, lifeless horizon and know our bankrupting them with a mountain of unnecessary debt gave them a chance to see the same weeds and mud their ancestors saw.

But don’t worry! Whether or not you have them, your lady parts are safe, at least for the next five years until the health care system collapses when it can’t pay its bills. Where you gonna get your contraception then, Little Ms. Fluke? You won’t find it in the barren desert that the government loves more than letting people make a living, that’s for sure.

Still pretty depressed, folks. This is just the beginning – It’s all downhill from here.

Sleep tight.

Fiscal Collapse Knows No Gender
Oh, now HERE'S a good plan.

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