A Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you, my jolly friend? Not well, and not jolly, if this video you made is any indication.


First off, could you be more specific as to where this was filmed?

Every other movie where I’ve seen your digs has shown me bright, colorful, charming mansions with high ceilings and ample lighting. Yet there you are, sweating in some creepy, dank basement with water dripping everywhere and only a flashlight for illumination. I’m not quite sure how that works, given that the Weather Channel tells me the current temperature up around your parts is a balmy -15°F, and that it hasn’t been warm enough to melt anything for weeks on end.

Has your furnace gone haywire?

How else to explain your ragged appearance with your red coat hanging open and your sticky, soiled undershirt on full display? If the furnace is cranked up, that means your electricity is probably working, too. Why the flashlight? Where is the video crew getting the juice to power the camera you’re using?

Look, why don’t you go upstairs?

I think we’re supposed to presume that your workshop is washed out, or something like that, except your backdrop looks more like a subterranean bunker than high ground, and no doubt the strange, isolated tropical weather that’s put you out of business would’ve flooded that space first. So what gives? After all, you’re Santa Claus. Jolly ol’ St. Nicholas.

Sainthood is not compatible with dishonesty.

I hate to accuse you of skirting the truth. I really do. Your centuries of reindeer-fueled philanthropy have built you a stellar reputation, which is clearly what Greenpeace wanted to exploit by featuring you in this dreadful propaganda piece. The weird, Unabomber-meets-Blair-Witch setting you’ve created here isn’t the only thing that’s false in this video.

The bottom line is that you’ve got your facts all wrong.

“My home in the Arctic is fast disappearing,” you tell us. Except it isn’t. Ice in the arctic grew 29% in a single year. And down south, the Antarctic ice sheet is at a 36-year high and continues to grow. We got ice coming out our eyeballs, so maybe you should see a plumber about all that dripping.

Fact is, the globe hasn’t warmed at all for 15+ years or so. Even the alarmists at the UN have been forced to admit that. Your new friends at Greenpeace tend to respond to these awkward facts by citing the hoary 97% statistic that has been misrepresented to show unanimity among climate scientists that agree the planet is boiling over, and it’s all our fault. Except none of their models predicted the current decade-and-a-half pause in warming. So if 97% of scientists have now been proven wrong, what good is it to know that they’re all wrong together?

It seems none of these facts have deterred you from your alarmism. “Unless we all act urgently,” you warn us, everyone’s going to have “an empty stocking forevermore.” But even that’s bullplop. Scientists are 100% in agreement that there isn’t any proposal on the table that would actually lower global temperatures. So even if “we all act urgently,” the climate’s going to continue to do what it’s going to do. And what it’s going to do is change. It’s been changing for millions of years before humans appeared on the scene, and it will likely change for millions of years after we’re gone. The hubris of assuming that humanity has the power to set a global thermostat one way or the other is pretty galling, especially in light of how hopelessly wrong “the consensus” has been up to this point.

Sorry to beat up on you, Mr. Kringle, but what we’re left with here is an alarmist organization willing to lie repeatedly. Greenpeace resorts to threatening the demise of a fictional character to support their provably false premise, yet, somehow, it’s the Republicans who are “deniers” and “hostile to science. ” Not quite sure how that works.

I’d suggest coal in your stocking, Santa, but I know how Greenpeace feels about fossil fuels. But I just wanted to let you know that this creepy, sour video was a really stupid idea.


Little Stallion

P.S. I want a pretend horsey and a choo-choo train.  Also multiple fracking permits on BLM land.

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