Reign of the Moist Boys

On February 10, 2004, the Moist Board was born.

I never intended to have a bulletin board of my own, but in sifting through the dashboard of stallioncornell.com, I discovered that my ISP had built-in software that made creating such a board effortless. So, on a whim, I created my own Galactica-themed board, and I had to give it a name. “Stallion Cornell’s Board” sounded too utilitarian, so, for no apparent reason, I added the word “Moist” to the title, because I think it’s a funny word. According to Salon.com, it’s also the word in the English language most hated by women. You can even join the “I Hate The Word ‘Moist’” group on Facebook if you want to. (If I had to guess, most dudes really hate the word “vasectomy.”)

The board had one rule – no porn. Other than that, everything was fair game.

I never intended the word “moist” to define the whole Stallion Cornell experience, and I even changed the title of the board a few times just to mix it up. But it was too late. It was, and is, the Most Board forevermore, and those silly enough to join me were labeled by the rest of Galactica fandom as the Moistees, Moistards, or, more commonly, the Moist Boys. Sexist? I suppose. There were a handful of Moist Girls, but that sounds a lot dirtier than Moist Boys, and their hatred of the titular word probably scared most of them off. (I think the word “titular” is pretty funny, too.)

We Moist Boys went out of our way to mock the hardcore Ron Moore supporters who had taken over the official SciFi.com board that was once our home. In the midst of the adulation for the remade Galactica, which we Moistees referred to as GINO, or Galactica In Name Only, Moist characters like ViperFred appeared on the official board to complain about Moore’s use of Cylon Juice and wolverines, which confused those who didn’t notice the Cylon Juice or the wolverines in GINO. (Although, in a webisode before the third season, Moore introduced a bottle of Cylon Juice in a direct homage to Moist. Ron Moore’s wife, Terry, became a huge Moist Board fan and even posted over there every once in a while.)

Mocking Ron Moore was an important part of the Moist experience, but we had an even higher priority – mocking Languatron.

The thing that Languatron never understood, and still doesn’t understand, is that when it comes to Battlestar Galactica, most of the Moist agree with him on principle – the principle being GINO sucks. Where we part company is in our methods. Languatron is comfortable invoking Osama bin Laden as the template for his GINO opposition, whereas we tend to be more reasonable, functional folk who don’t like having Lang as our spokesman.

When Langy was banished from Cylon.org, that began his “lost years,” when he couldn’t find any respectable board that would let him post for more than a few days. Once he found such a board, the Moist Boys would swoop in like flies on crap and mock him mercilessly, which would annoy the board’s owners and hasten Lang’s inevitable banning. My favorite episode in this era was the world famous Gref Dafflebaum Incident, which I have chronicled extensively elsewhere on this blog.

Lang finally solved this problem by setting up his “Fun Fortress,” a board all of his own. In order to avoid being harassed, he decided the board would only have one member – Languatron. Only he could post there. And post there he did! I provide my favorite post from the Fun Fortress days, which highlights Lang’s xenophobia and racism:

Everything goes hand in hand in the United States of America, doesn’t it? The Bush Administration keeps the MEXICAN BORDER wide open in our “post 9-11” world (COMPROMISING OUR NATIONAL SECURITY) in order to provide CORPORATE AMERICA with CHEAP LABOR and “ILLEGAL ALIEN CONSUMERS.” This in turn led to the INCREDULOUS decision within Universal/Sci-Fi Channel to have a hispanic as one of the primary cast members in GINO. We know why Universal/Sci-Fi Channel did this, don’t we? So that all of the “ILLEGAL ALIEN HISPANICS” sitting on their A—S in the United States and LIVING off of the TAXPAYERS MONEY can sit in front of the BOOB TUBE and hopefully provide GINO with SEMI-MARGINAL RATINGS. I don’t know which is more disgusting. The Bush Administration TOTALLY SELLING OUT to CORPORATE AMERICA and JEOPARDIZING our NATIONAL SECURITY, or the Universal/Sci-Fi Channel corporation RIDING PIGGY BACK on the NON-EXISTENT MORALS of Bush & Cheney.

Edward James Olmos is obviously an independent thinker aware of his surroundings. Therefore, it is SHAMEFUL that he would either consciously or unconsciously allow himself to be used in such a manner. Olmos is obviously an intelligent individual proud of his heritage, yet he would allow himself to be used as a “Token Cast Member” in order for Sci-Fi Channel to engage in yet another CHEAP SHOT in trying to attract viewers?

Here we are in the midst of what Sci-Fi Channel likes to affectionately refer to as a “Second Season”, yet before the SPIN DOCTORING RATINGS WIZARDS at “SCI-FI” get their hands on GINO’S hardly impressive ratings and WARP THEM INTO FICTION, “SCI-FI” has FEEBLE RATINGS no better than the first season. So, trying to use Edward James Olmos as an “ILLEGAL ALIEN MAGNET’ just ISN’T WORKING, is it? Yet, there Olmos is. All geared up and ready for a few more episodes with the ETERNAL FROWN ON HIS FACE. How much longer is Olmos going to stick around to try and pull in the ILLEGAL ALIEN VIEWERS who successfully traversed the MEXICAN BORDER without getting SHOT?

I know one thing. If this is the DEPTHS that Sci-Fi Channel has SUNK to in order to try and attract viewers, I’ll stay clear of the channel so as not to VIOLATE the AMERICAN CONSTITUTION by encouraging its DECIMATION by BIG BUSINESS and CORPORATE AMERICA.

-Languatron at his “Fun Fortress,” “Is Edward James Olmos Attracting The ‘Illegal Alien’ Demographic?”  –  July 22, 2005, 09:36:44 AM

These days provided some of Langy’s nastiest rants, but they weren’t available for long. Why? Well, Lang built the Fun Fortress on the premise that only he could post there. But then he started checking his IP logs to determine who was reading his stuff. His theory was that if you were interested enough to visit his board, you were obviously a Universal Studios executive and/or Glen Larson.

So he started banning the IP addresses of everyone who visited.

Eventually, he made it so only registered members could read the board, and, since he was the only registered member, only he could read it. People continued to bring this to his attention, and he continued to ignore them. Obviously, anyone who couldn’t read his board was, by definition, a Universal executive.

Since Langy thinks everyone other than him is a Universal Studios exec, then that’s just about right.

Tomorrow: Events are in motion!

Today’s Bonus Post: Some Fresh Languatron

I just got a comment from M.R. in L.A. asking “ever wonder what Langy’s up to these days?” The answer is no, because I can tell you exactly what he’s up to. This was written about me, today. I repost it in its entirety, slightly edited to accommodate Moist Blog community standards:

___________________

Of course, we all know that Stallion Cornell is actually Glen A. Larson, don’t we?

Like Universal Studios and SyFy Channel, Stallion Cornell never goes away no matter how many years pass by. He maintains an unremarkable and pointless existence within Galactica fandom suffering from the narcissistic delusion that he is more important than he is. Stallion Cornell is one of these mentally ill idiots going through life oblivious to the fact that he is mentally ill, and oblivious to the sign posts in his eccentric behavior that he is mentally ill. And one of those sign posts is, he presently can’t, and was never able to, cope with the real world in which he lives. As far as Stallion Cornell is concerned, there is no real world where the true facts exist. He has made his laptop and what he physically sees on his computer screen, his exclusive world. If he can’t see what he is looking for on his computer screen, it doesn’t exist. If he can’t change or modify someone’s behavior to his personal liking from his laptop, he will spend the rest of his life fighting that person. These are the first two indications that Stallion Cornell either never developed the psychological ability to cope with the real world in which he lives, or lost the ability at some point to do so.

Aside from his physically damning presence in Galactica fandom for the past 11 years, Stallion Cornell’s false sense of pompous morality has pretty much alienated him from his own board…http://www.stallioncornell.com/board, and has reduced him to bouncing around Amazon.com leaving reviews of books he doesn’t like and haven’t read under multiple assumed names, and writing his ususal, self delusional gibberish on blogs. Stallion Cornell under a multitude of handles (Arthur, Stallion_Cornell, NBC-Universal, MrPostModernist, and Schnorkenschneider) suffers from the additional delusion that there are people somewhere….in some place in time…..other than those of us in Galactica fandom…..who actually give a [crap] about what he writes. That they give a [crap] about his personal conflicts….that they give a [crap] about what and who he doesn’t like….that people are stupid enough to buy into his personal delusion that he has been some “horrible victim” of me for the past decade. I’m sure if Stallion Cornell ever actually reached the people (elite snobs?) he has wanted to reach during the past decade with his endless blogging, stealth marketing on behalf of Universal Studios, and 365 day a year hysterics on Frakheads and the SyFy forums, they would no doubt ask him….”Why didn’t you just walk away you f—in’ idiot?” But you see, Stallion Cornell just can’t walk away from anything primarily because he will never admit when he has long since been beaten intellectually or by means of street smarts. When Stallion Cornell has been beaten, he tries to mobilize allies that quite frankly never have and never will exist. Because aside from a few of his retarded friends on the http://www.stallioncornell.com/board, the world just doesn’t give a [crap] about Stallion Cornell. This is what primarily hasn’t sunk in with him yet. The very real world Stallion Cornell has spent 11 years denying the reality of, just doesn’t give a [crap] about Stallion Cornell and his personal problems he keeps creating for himself on Internet bulletin boards. They just don’t care. No doubt if the real world did know about Stallion Cornell, they would conclude…..”Why isn’t this supposed adult dealing with his own problems like an adult instead of ranting and raving about his personal problems on blogs, bulletin boards, and chat rooms?”

There is a psychotic undercurrent to Stallion Cornell, and that is he is a self absorbed hermit and shut-in suffering from a lopsided sense of morality to every personal problem he creates for himself. He has spent (and wasted) 11 years trying to fight and change his Internet fantasy world to his liking because lord knows, he sure as hell can’t change the real world to his liking since he never could cope with it. And even his little fantasy world on display for himself on his computer screen 365 days a year…..he can’t change that either. Stallion Cornell has made the Internet his entire life during the past 11 years, and this is truly the mark of an “emotionally unstable and massively insecure cretin.” Any psychiatrist would give Stallion Cornell the blunt opinion that “if you haven’t been able to change your life for the better after 11 years on the Internet, then it’s time to find another outlet.” Stallion Cornell will never try to find another outlet because psychologically, he lost his sanity years ago. He claims to be married but let’s be serious. Any woman would have dumped Stallion Cornell years ago for spending this much time on the Internet and not enough time with her. Combined with the fact that Stallion Cornell does really weird and eccentric [crap] on the Internet…..365 days a year. Arguing with people you don’t agree with and then wasting 11 years trying to change their viewpoints to your own? Any woman would have told the psychotic Stallion Cornell…..”Hey Stal, you’re really psychotic….And you’re a f—ed up a–hole.” I seriously doubt if Stallion Cornell has even taken the journey inside of a woman’s vagina. If he does have kids, child services would have taken them away from him years ago. The fact is, Stallion Cornell is mentally ill, and there has been nothing to indicate in his Internet behavior during the past 11 years that he is capable of living a normal, domestic life with a woman or children he supposedly fathered under the same roof for any extended period of time. His entire life has been the Internet during the past 11 years. A wife and children my a–.

Maybe if Stallion Cornell stops suffering from the delusions that the world cares about his personal problems, cares about him, cares about what he cares about, cares about who he fights and repeatedly loses against, cares about who he labels “dastardly & evil”, cares about the opinions of others he can’t change to his liking, cares about the high priority markers he places upon his own lopsided and deranged senses of morality, cares about what he holds so dear (whatever the hell that may be from one moment to the next), and cares about how badly he has been hurt by me (in his own psychotic imagination)….maybe Stallion Cornell would be able to get off of his lazy ass and go out into the real world and build a life for himself. Everybody has to start dating a girl sometime, and Stallion Cornell might as well start now at what……37 years of age?

The Bet

Today’s installment comes entirely from memory, as the posts in question were permanently erased as a result of a glitch at the former Cylon.org. Langy hoped that the disappearance of said posts would allow him to welch on a very important bet, but, in the end, it turned him into the permanent pariah that he is today.

I’m trying to remember the particulars of the bet, but I’ll probably get it wrong. Languatron had posted something along the lines of “Ron Moore’s Galactica In Name Only will never go to series. In fact, it will be cancelled within a month.” (That’s a much more coherent rendering of what Lang actually said, which, no doubt, involved lots of inappropriate capital letters, quotation marks, and no apostrophe S’s used for possessive purposes.) This was some time in 2004, I think, although I’m not sure of that, either.

Anyway, RGrant – he who coined the immortal “Bob Is Shoe” meme – jumped into the thread and challenged Langy to put his money where his mouth is. He proposed a $50 bet – Rgrant would pay if GINO was cancelled within a month, and Langy would have to cough up if it went to series as scheduled. Usually, Languatron responded to such things with some dismissive Black Tower snark – but to everyone’s surprise, Lang posted a one-sentence reply:

“I’ll take that bet!”

Guess who won. Or, should I say, guess who lost.

The problem was that some time between the time the bet was placed and Lang’s loss of said bet, Cylon.org went down and all of its previous data disappeared forever. Languatron, therefore, insisted the bet had never happened, that it was all just another plot from the Black Tower to silence the Mighty Langy, and everyone should move on with their lives.

The problem was that there were too many witnesses, and TwoBrainedCylon, the owner of Cylon.org, didn’t take kindly to welchers.

TwoBrainedCylon cited the rules of his site, which included a prohibition against deliberate dishonesty. He warned Lang that he would have to make good on his bet or leave Cylon.org forever. There was considerable pushback from Languaton, who kept insisting the bet had never happened and was all just part of Glen Larson’s fevered imagination, but when it became clear that continued denial was going to cost him his membership in the Cylon.org community, he grudgingly agreed to send a “money order” to RGrant’s “REAL NAME AND ADDRESS.” [Caps in original.]

The REAL NAME AND ADDRESS issue became the focus of major controversy over the following few weeks. RGrant had told several of us offline that he had no intention of telling Languatron where he really lived, but he had given him a bogus address from his home state of Massachusetts, which Lang found unacceptable. Can you guess why?

According to Lang, RGrant was obviously a Universal Studios executive – very likely Glen Larson himself – so, of course, his REAL NAME AND ADDRESS would have to be Glen Larson from somewhere in the Los Angeles area. This nonsense went on for a while – it’s even referenced in yesterday’s “Bob Is Shoe” thread – until TwoBrainedCylon finally lost patience. His wise conclusion was that RGrant had won the bet, and even if he was Glen Larson from SoCal, he had the right to have the money sent to “his left butt cheek” if that’s what he wanted.

Lang refused to send the money to RGrant’s left butt cheek, and he was banished from Cylon.org. He tried to sneak back in there, too, but TwoBrainedCylon was much savvier than the SciFi.com board moderators, and Lang’s attempts to reingratiate himself proved unsuccessful.

It would be years before Lang would find another home.

Tomorrow: Reign of the Moist Boys!