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A Letter I Recently Received

This letter is neither an encomium of Stallion Cornell nor a panegyric to his ventures. Instead, it is a fact-filled reportage intended to convince you that when one succeeds in eking out a kernel of content from Stallion’s linguistic games and complex exegeses, it usually turns out to be either banal or blatantly false. And that’s why I feel compelled to say something about unsavory, ugly layabouts. I am deliberately using colorful language in this letter. I am deliberately using provocative phrases that I hope will stick in the minds of my readers. I do ensure, however, that my words are always appropriate and accurate and clearly explain how Stallion maintains that we ought to worship maledicent mental defectives as folk heroes. This is hardly the case. Rather, there is growing evidence that says, to the contrary, that we need to look beyond the most immediate and visible problems with him. We need to look at what is behind these problems and understand that I no longer believe that trends like family breakdown, promiscuity, and violence are random events. Not only are they explicitly glorified and promoted by Stallion’s negligent asseverations, but he is wallowing in the sty of phallocentrism. Am I being too harsh for writing that? Maybe I am, but that’s really the only way you can push a point through to him.

Stallion’s a pretty good liar most of the time. However, he tells so many lies, he’s bound to trip himself up someday. Does Stallion have trouble living with himself, knowing that he is determined to put as little thought as possible into solving the undeniable problems that our society is still facing with regard to classism? You know the answer, don’t you? You probably also know that he is not only immoral, but amoral. He is known for walking into crowded rooms and telling everyone there that a plausible excuse is a satisfactory substitute for performance. Try, if you can, to concoct a statement better calculated to show how uncompromising Stallion is. You can’t do it. Not only that, but he says that human beings should be appraised by the number of things and the amount of money they possess instead of by their internal value and achievements. Hey, Stallion, how about telling us the truth for once?

Although Stallion wants to brand me as dastardly, if we fail to make this world a kinder, gentler place, then we have no one to blame but ourselves. In that respect, we can say that you should be sure to let me know your ideas about how to deal with him. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, am eager to listen to your ideas and I honestly hope that I can grasp their essentials, evaluate their potential, look for flaws, provide suggestions, absorb feedback, suggest improvements, and then put the ideas into effect. Only then can we refute Stallion’s arguments line by line and claim by claim.

Stallion would sooner get a lobotomy than face our problems realistically, get to the root of our problems, and be determined to solve them. To top that off, his “I’m right and you’re wrong” attitude is blasphemous because it leaves no room for compromise. I have always been an independent thinker. I’m not influenced by popular trends, the media, or even so-called undisputed facts when parroted by others. Maybe that streak of independence is what first enabled me to see that if you looked up “lewd” in the dictionary, you’d probably see Stallion’s picture. I have absolutely no idea why Stallion makes such a big fuss over paternalism. There are far more pressing issues that present themselves and that should be discussed, debated, and solved—issues such as war, famine, poverty, and homelessness. There is also the lesser issue that Stallion will probably throw another hissy fit if we don’t let him twist our entire societal valuation of love and relationships beyond all insanity. At least putting up with another Stallion Cornell hissy fit is easier than convincing Stallion’s votaries that the biggest supporters of Stallion’s virulent zingers are obtrusive, stultiloquent gaberlunzies and despicable grizzlers. A secondary class of ardent supporters consists of ladies of elastic virtue and cosmopolitan tendencies to whom such things afford a decent excuse for displaying their fascinations at their open windows.

Stallion loves the truth only as long as it doesn’t conflict with his editorials. Please re-read and memorize that sentence if you still believe that Stallion has the mandate of Heaven to judge people based solely on hearsay. The truth hurts, doesn’t it, Stallion? His Praetorian Guard is a snake pit populated by semi-intelligible recidivists, contemptible fault-finders, and the most dour ignoramuses you’ll ever see. But the problems with his exegeses don’t end there. Finally, no letter about Stallion Cornell would be complete without mention of some of the entirely deranged schemes that he supports. Although there are a plenitude of examples from which to choose, the most deranged would have to be his proposal to impede the free flow of information. That’s the sort of thing that keeps me up at night.

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This letter was written in under ten seconds by this online complaint generator. It’s far more fun than it has any right to be.

God, Man, and Philosophy
Theatre Notes

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