I’m holed up in Vernal, Utah, which is just as exciting as it sounds. As I travel, it becomes difficult to write a full-on blog entry, but I wanted to share a goofy list of Jack Bauer facts that I found online, because they make me laugh. After the crapfest that was Season 6, I was done with 24, but they waited long enough before starting Season 7 that the idea feels fresh again, and shifting the locale from LA to DC has done wonders for revitalizing the whole thing. Maybe it’s because, having grown up in LA, I know you can’t get from downtown to Valencia in a single commercial break.
Anyway, these are the kind of goofy spam statements you find in e-mail chains, but if you’ve watched 24, they’ll be good or a chuckle or two. I found this list here, if you want to check the original source. (I think he found it somewhere else, though, so I’m not sure what the copyright issues might be. But I’ll let him take the heat.)
Anyway, here it is:
1. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
2. Jack Bauer is the ‘i’ in team.
3. If everyone on “24” followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12”.
4. Nobody says ‘hit me’ when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
5. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
6. If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
7. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
8. Jack Bauer’s calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Jack Bauer.
9. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
10. It’s no use crying over spilt milk … unless that was Jack Bauer’s milk. Oh, you are so screwed.
11. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
12. Let’s get one thing straight – the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
13. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
14. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
15. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with violence.
16. If you’re holding a gun to Jack Bauer’s head, don’t count to three before you shoot. Count to ten. That way, you get to live seven seconds longer.
17. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer".
18. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
19. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something, then you better do it.
20. Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
21. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
22. Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
23. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
24. Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
25. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
26. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who have never met Jack Bauer.
27. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
28. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn’t go off, security gives him a gun.
29. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
30. There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
31. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It’s basically the right way, but faster with more deaths.