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Old Girlfriends

Sorry I provided no fresh material yesterday. My wife has been gone at our ward girl’s camp, and it’s been up to me to pick up the slack. In addition, the subject matter from my previous post takes a bit more time to fully absorb.

In keeping with my wife’s edict to tell funny stories, I’ve been racking my brains to come up with something, but I’m not as interesting as I thought I was. When we discussed various topics, I kept coming up with stories about old girlfriends, many of which are funny but would probably be inappropriate to revisit now that I’m a happily married dude. For instance, I don’t want to say much about my pre-mission girlfriend who flew up to Salt Lake from LA to ruin my homecoming and dump me upon my return, only to start calling me again after she’d married another guy from my mission. It’s a sad tale, more creepy than funny, and given the effort it took to get her to finally leave me alone, I’d rather not give that woman any indication of my current whereabouts.

Then there’s the story of my first real girlfriend, who I bumped into in a Waldenbooks in Westwood during my senior year at USC, only to discover she’s now a bisexual polygamist. I met her husband and her wife, and personally, I wasn’t attracted to either of them. I tried to appear open-minded about the whole thing, but I’m not that good at hiding my feelings, especially when I’m seriously grossed out. “This shouldn’t be that hard for you to accept,” she said, “given your Mormon background.” Yeah, well, Brigham Young did many things, but as far as I can tell, he never did them with other dudes.

There was the very pretty girl that I dated for awhile until she freaked out after I took her to a Spinal Tap concert at the Universal Amphitheatre. It was actually a church activity; we went with several other couples in the USC Ward. But when I started singing along to “Big Bottom,” complete with lyrics like “Big Bottom/Big Bottom/ Talk about mud flaps/My girl’s got ‘em,” it was the beginning of the end.

I took another girl with a funny last name – if she’d have married me, she would have been able to lose the “Hornbuckle” moniker – to a Bruce Springsteen concert and then, I think, to a movie, but she wasn’t all that keen on me. She was in the ROTC and told me after our second date that she liked “hard men with tight butts.” I didn’t qualify on either score, but in my defense, I didn’t really have much of a butt at the time.

My favorite one to remember, though, probably deserves a post all her own. She’s certainly the loudest girl I’ve ever dated. She was a fellow acting student at USC, and during my sophomore year, she got baptized into the LDS Church by her boyfriend – not me – and the whole thing was done in Chinese, because the boyfriend had served his mission in Taiwan. She decided to speak at her own baptism, and she proceeded to yell at everyone in the room about “taming your sexual urges” and “keeping it in your pants.” It’s that kind of uplifting counsel that the Ensign always seems to overlook.

As the only other LDS acting student, I became something of a mentor to her, accompanying her to the off-campus LDS Institute for instruction on all things theological. She always made those classes… interesting. There was the one where, during a discussion on temple marriage, she interjected that she wanted to “marry a guy who will look at me when he’s ninety years old and still get hard.” Then there was the one where she came to class in short shorts and a jog bra. Good times.

She was never really my girlfriend, although when things went sour with the Chinese-speaking dude, we had a couple of smooching sessions that were plenty of fun. We stayed good friends throughout my USC years, although she drifted away from the church entirely not too long after her baptism. She was working her way through school – a very expensive thing to do at USC tuition prices. She did this by waiting tables at an all-night diner. In the later years of our education, she would arrive at school half asleep, and there was no telling what would come out of her mouth then.

It was in that state that, on one occasion, she decided to come back to church with me. The male sacrament meeting speaker at the pulpit was giving a talk about how children are a blessing from the Lord, and this girl yelled out at the top of her lungs, “Easy for you to say – you don’t have to give birth to ‘em!” It’s the first and last sacrament meeting I’ve attended that’s included a heckler.

In retrospect, it’s easy to romanticize the whole dating experience, but the truth is that I vastly prefer being married to dating. In addition, I vastly prefer my wife to any of the girls I dated.

An Uncomfortable Post
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  1. Don’t be too sure none of those old girlfriends aren’t reading this. They probably google you on a regular basis.

  2. But do they google Stallion Cornell? Because my real name is so common that it’s virtually unGoogleable. The only one of these ladies likely to Google me as Stallion is the last one, and I hope she does, frankly. I don’t think she would be remotely embarrassed by any of these stories. We’ve talked about them often, and she’s got a pretty good sense of humor. Pre-mission girl might find this, but I don’t know if Stallion Cornell was a nom de plume she’d remember. If it is, then she’s probably found this blog prior to this post. I doubt she would keep her mouth shut about it, so given her lack of comments,I’m betting she remains blissfully ignorant. Certainly the bisexual polygamist wouldn’t know this name, because I didn’t adopt it until well after we’d broken up. My Spinal Tap date could, conceivably, remember the name, but I don’t really think so. I’m 100% certain that Ms. Hornbuckle has forgotten I exist. I don’t think she knew I existed even when we went out.

  3. Since you look so remarkably like Yul Brynner, I cannot imagine why you didn’t sweep every one of those dates off their proverbial feet. Stallion, your response to the wiz’s word of caution appears to be a well-thought-out statement of self-preservation, prepared in advance of the publishing of “Old Girlfriends”. For the sake of good storytelling I am glad to see you feel well fortified against any future, uncomfortable re-encounters. Request for future postings: Would you feel just as emotionally detached about relating some of our shared experiences in KOTC that are — shall we say — not entirely free of humiliating and degrading moments?

  4. I have to ask. I know ROTC, what’s KOTC?<>KOTC <>King of the Cage (martial arts competition) I’ll ve very impressed if this is it.<>KOTC<> Kiss On The Cheek <>KOTC<> Kuwait Oil Tankers Co

  5. KOTC=Kids of the Century. They’re now Kids of Rock Theatre. They’re a performing arts group in LA in which I matriculated, along with James.

  6. “I’m 100% certain that Ms. Hornbuckle has forgotten I exist. I don’t think she knew I existed even when we went out.”-SCThat’s exectly how i felt once, but 95% of my girlfriends were Japanese, Korean, and Pakistani, one jewish girl, 2 Irish, and one Greek middle manager i liked bending over aher desk after a hard day.Seriously, i can’t complain, my only regret was that the little 24 year old from Spain. She would have made a good wife, but i was too stupid and busy at the time to realize it.I love old GF talk, it’s fun to think about the past.Thanks Stallion, that actualy made me smile.SM

  7. Pre-mission girl alleviated her guilt for dumping you by sticking around way too long after you got home to do all our family’s dishes every night. It kinda felt like having a maid around. A very short maid.

  8. Don’t think she was necessarily a girlfriend, but I remember sitting in the passenger seat of the car as we drove by one girl’s house over and over, slower each time, and honking the horn increasingly louder, sort of like Ducky in “Pretty in Pink.”There are other parts to this story too that I shall let you retell, if you choose.

  9. I can corroborate FK’s story. Stallion, are you sure you fully got Mrs. Cornell’s approval to open this can of worms?