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Rage Against the Green

What’s the opposite of green?

Because that’s what I want to be. I don’t want to be a sensible, environmentally friendly conservative who wants to go about greening the planet “the right way.” I want to be a slash-and-burn mudhead who wants to replace the ozone layer with cigarette smoke, put motor oil in the water, and heat the planet 746 degrees every month.

I’m sick of green. Sick, sick, sick of it. I want it to die.

I remember feeling this way before, when I was (sort of ) dating a rabid vegetarian who insisted that I was engaging in cannibalistic murder every time I downed a hamburger. I tried to be reasonable. I tried to explain, patiently, that eating meat is perfectly natural and healthy, that eating a cow is not the same thing as eating your seventh grade math teacher, and that nature is far crueler to its meat than human beings are. And the more reasonable I got, the shriller she got. Once you pull the rug out from a specious argument, all your opponent can do is shriek. And shriek she did.

Finally, I told her I only eat meat that’s been thoroughly tortured before it’s been killed. That shut her up. (It ended our dating, too, but that’s another story.)

So what’s going to shut up the greens? I don’t like seeing TV or Google logos that look like forests. I don’t get warm and fuzzy when a company advertises it uses “clean fuels” or whatever crap they want to shove down our throats today. I want people who sell the MLM scam known as carbon offsets baked in their own biodiesel. Talking rationally with these people only makes you a bigger punching bag.

So why not go whole hog?

I will vote for the first candidate who says they want to turn the planet into their own personal sauna. I want someone to call for filling Mt. Rushmore with nuclear waste. I want a car company to advertise a fifty-foot long sedan that gets three miles to the gallon. I want to take everything in recycling plants and dump it in landfills, and then raze the tops of mountains and cover them with aluminum cans and plastic DVD covers. I want the oceans filled with noodles, boiled, and then served as soup.

We should continue to talk like this until the radical greens, who would be happy if the population of the world collapsed by two thirds, are forced to meet us in the middle, where reasonable people used to be.

Yes, I’m in pain from my fourth day of personal training. That has nothing to do with this! Who else wants Ocean Noodle Soup, served Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, or Arctic style?

Tattoo Lady, Crap Politicization, Whining, Cars

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  1. Jim, I whole heartedly agree. I am proudly the only person on my street that doesn’t recycle. It’s due to our recycling rules. You see, if you do not prepare your recyclables exactly, the ex-con working the truck will throw the entire contents of your recycling bin all over your yard. After cleaning up my yard for the second time, I decided that I will never recycle again.

  2. The opposite of green on the color chart is red, but calling yourself red has a whole other meaning. Perhaps a variation of red, like pink or fuscia would do. Together, green and red make grey. Maybe your a grey. It seems like an appropriately ominous color.

  3. I completely agree. Everytime I see a network logo in the corner of my TV that is green, it makes me want to throw up.Each time I hear a phrase like “Global Climate Crisis”, I actually taste bile.What happened to be reasonable and prudent with the use of the resources that we have been given? Why do we listen to “scientists” version of the “truth”, when they marginalize anyone that disagrees with their reality. AAARGH!

  4. I was having the exact same thoughts on “Earth Day”. Maybe not as specific, but it makes me yell at the tv. Really? If I take a 1 minute shower or save rain water to water my lawn, the earth won’t explode? One ad said that soon there won’t be enough stores of electricity to light our cities because of global warming. Now I have to store electricity? Hmmm. Maybe it’ll fit next to my wheat. Let’s eat soup!

  5. Earth day always makes me want to turn on all my lights, run my sprinklers, and fill all my bathtubs to overflowing.I prefer Atlantic style soup.

  6. In building a new 10k+ refrigerated cold storage room for our client, I spec’d out a regular option and a “green” option. But knowing that the client would most likely accept the “green” option, I also put a whole lot of extra cool stuff into the “green” proposal. Now we also get high-speed roll-up doors, dent-resistant walls, inside curbs, and other stuff. And they probably only wanted a replacement for Freon. You just gotta know how to manipulate ’em!