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Languatron: Anatomy of a Wuss-Out

Languatron, who’s $50 welched bet with RGrant is the stuff of legend, is now spewing pathetic excuses for why he chickened out of the opportunity to put his bravado where his fists are. In his book, Languatron cheerfully promises to “kick my a.. to the Moon” if he ever gets a chance to meet me.

So I gave him that chance. And he chickened out. What does he have to say for himself?

Well, here’s his response. (You can read it in its original context by clicking here.)

One has to question the mental stability of this guy who has me on his mind way too often. First, he mentions me practically every other day in his blog, then he announces that he is polluting O’Hare Airport with his Mormon, Universal executive presence, and wants me to come and get him.

I’ve already proven that I can “get” people like Cornell in far more effective ways, such as in bulletin board posts, and in books.

A fine response. Nice to know Languatron is a regular reader. And I, too, question my own mental stability.

But then he gets wussy as he responds to AlphaNova, who congratulates him on his wussiness.

I’m glad you’re safe and sound, Alpha. I would hope that all of the physical threats made on the Internet are just words. In the case of Stallion_Cornell, I think his mental stability has deteriorated considerably recently (not that he was ever mentally sound in the first place), and for him to even jokingly remark that he is waiting for me at O’Hare Airport for a physical confrontation is distrubing to say the least. Though I remarked that I wanted to “kick his butt to the Moon if I ever met him”, that was a figure of speech, not a literal promise. Cornell often interprets literally figures of speech to advance whatever deranged agendas he has.

So his threat wasn’t a threat. It was a “figure of speech,” which I took as a threat of physical violence because of my “deranged agenda.” (One ponders in vain as to how one would derange an agenda, but I digress.)

If this was just a “figure of speech,” what, in fact, was Languatron really trying to say? Surely he was not literally going to thrust his foot solidly into my buttocks and propel me to the Sea of Tranquility. In that sense, yes, his empty taunt was a figure of speech, where the actual words are not to be understood with their literal meanings. But the phrase “kick your butt” is a figure of speech implying physical violence, a threat made even more likely by the necessity Languatron placed on meeting me in person to carry out said threat.

Yet, apparently, what he meant was “If I ever get a chance to meet Stallion Cornell in person, I’m going to hide like a little girl and post infantile tauntings on an obscure Internet bulletin board.” That’s what he does now. Why would he have to meet me in person to do it some more?

I guess “I owe RGrant fifty bucks” is a figure of speech for “I enjoy a sauna in my own flatulence.”

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