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Finding Something to Complain About

You’ve heard all the stand-up jokes about airline travel. The food sucks. The person you sit next to won’t shut up. The person you sit next to is fat. There’s no room, leg or otherwise. They lose your luggage. They frisk you naked. Lines. Announcements. Delays. And always twirling, twirling…

I added the twirling part.

The thing I can’t stand, which I’ve never heard anybody mention, is the airplane air. The stale, compressed, recycled air. Just the scent of it makes me feel like part of a cattle herd. It’s impossible to feel comfortable anywhere near an airplane or an airport. Falling asleep on an airplane is next to impossible, especially when your knees are in your face.

And they lost my luggage, too. Bungholes.

But the good news is they found my luggage. And now, because of the miracle of airline travel, I’m in Kauai. And there’s nothing to complain about in Kauai.

Except the chickens.

There are six bazillion chickens in Kauai. Nobody’s sure how they got here, but everyone agrees that they’re not going anywhere soon. A local here calls them “Kauai’s feathered rats.” Except that, unlike rats, the roosters crow all hours of the day and night. It’s not unusual to hear a “cock-a-doodle-doo” at 4:00 AM in complete and utter darkness. I don’t really mind so much, though, because 4:00 AM Hawaii time is 8:00 AM my time. But hearing a rooster crow at 2:00 in the afternoon while you’re sitting on the beach is a bit much.

Since Kauai has no natural chicken killers, there’s nothing to kill the chickens. And these chickens desperately need to be killed. And someone needs to kill them.

Let me be the first to volunteer.

Here’s what Wikipedia has to say about them:

1992’s Hurricane Iniki may have caused an indirect change in Kauaʻi’s ecosystem. Some say a chicken farm was destroyed, causing all of the chickens to roam free that one may see today. Others say that sugarcane plantation laborers in the late 1800s and early 1900s brought and raised chickens (for eating and cockfighting) and many got loose over the years and multiplied. Whatever their original source, Kauai is now home to thousands of wild roosters and hens, roaming the island with few natural predators. Wild roosters have been known to disturb evening quiet time at odd hours with their crowing. Currently, the Humane Society is investigating the death of large numbers of Kauai chickens. The deaths are most likely due to bacterial infections caused by over-population.

That’s right, Humane Society. “Bacterial infections.” Except they’re caused by the squealing tires of my car.

Maybe the airplanes could kill the chickens by checking them all as luggage and then losing them somewhere.

I’m here all week. I actually have to work, but I plan to enjoy myself while doing it. If I can find something else to complain about, I’ll let you know.

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