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Learning from Larry

I feel very sorry for Senator Craig. His career is over and his reputation is shot, not necessarily because of what he did but, rather, what he’s doing now. His revisionist explanations of the events in question are more than pathetic. He attributes his footsie with the guy in the stall next to him to his “wide stance” as he takes a dump? Please. For under-the-stall foot contact to occur naturally, Craig would have to poop with his legs at close to a 180-degree angle. Women who give birth don’t have that wide a stance.

Still, I should probably be grateful. Prior to the events of this past week, if I had wanted to solicit anonymous gay sex in a public restroom, I would have been at a complete loss as to how to do it. Now, thanks to Larry Craig, I’ve learned far more than I ever wanted to know on the subject.

Which raises the question: how did Senator Craig learn all this?

Think about it. These aren’t skills you just pick up at a seminar somewhere, especially when you’re a public figure who has to lie to those closest to you to keep your secret tightly under wraps. Yet Craig was quite accomplished at the signals necessary to get what he wanted, which suggests he’s probably had plenty of practice. Never mind why he did it. How did he know what to do?

I’m a well-educated guy with a Master’s degree, but the longer I live, the stupider I feel. Even in the realms of heterosexual, male/female interaction, I’ve made an utter fool of myself more times than I can count. I’m not sure if I ever made the right moves, or if I even know what the right moves are. My wife would have to tell you whether or not I’ve learned anything over the years. (And if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather you didn’t ask her.)

This problem extends to areas well beyond romantic relationships. For instance, I don’t think I could become a heroin addict even if I wanted to. Where would I go to find heroin in the Salt Lake City area? How much would it cost? How could I get the stuff and avoid arrest? And once I got it, how would I go about injecting it into my veins? There are clearly people who do this over a long period of time, but I have no idea where they get their information. I doubt Google would be much help.

Now I admit that this is just idle curiosity. All things considered, I’d rather not have gay sex or become a heroin addict. But I’d venture that almost 90% of everything I do on a daily basis wasn’t taught to me in a classroom setting. I’ve ruined two ceilings by “fixing” toilets directly above them. I’ve destroyed computers, clothing, furniture, musical instruments, lawns, cars, air conditioners, and credit ratings because of my woeful ignorance and complete lack of mechanical skills. Maybe if they taught me how to a mow a lawn in high school, I wouldn’t run over so many sprinkler heads. Maybe I should have taken auto shop instead of trigonometry.

Except I don’t remember any trigonometry, so it’s pretty much a wash.

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