in Biography, Politics

Learning from Larry

I feel very sorry for Senator Craig. His career is over and his reputation is shot, not necessarily because of what he did but, rather, what he’s doing now. His revisionist explanations of the events in question are more than pathetic. He attributes his footsie with the guy in the stall next to him to his “wide stance” as he takes a dump? Please. For under-the-stall foot contact to occur naturally, Craig would have to poop with his legs at close to a 180-degree angle. Women who give birth don’t have that wide a stance.

Still, I should probably be grateful. Prior to the events of this past week, if I had wanted to solicit anonymous gay sex in a public restroom, I would have been at a complete loss as to how to do it. Now, thanks to Larry Craig, I’ve learned far more than I ever wanted to know on the subject.

Which raises the question: how did Senator Craig learn all this?

Think about it. These aren’t skills you just pick up at a seminar somewhere, especially when you’re a public figure who has to lie to those closest to you to keep your secret tightly under wraps. Yet Craig was quite accomplished at the signals necessary to get what he wanted, which suggests he’s probably had plenty of practice. Never mind why he did it. How did he know what to do?

I’m a well-educated guy with a Master’s degree, but the longer I live, the stupider I feel. Even in the realms of heterosexual, male/female interaction, I’ve made an utter fool of myself more times than I can count. I’m not sure if I ever made the right moves, or if I even know what the right moves are. My wife would have to tell you whether or not I’ve learned anything over the years. (And if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather you didn’t ask her.)

This problem extends to areas well beyond romantic relationships. For instance, I don’t think I could become a heroin addict even if I wanted to. Where would I go to find heroin in the Salt Lake City area? How much would it cost? How could I get the stuff and avoid arrest? And once I got it, how would I go about injecting it into my veins? There are clearly people who do this over a long period of time, but I have no idea where they get their information. I doubt Google would be much help.

Now I admit that this is just idle curiosity. All things considered, I’d rather not have gay sex or become a heroin addict. But I’d venture that almost 90% of everything I do on a daily basis wasn’t taught to me in a classroom setting. I’ve ruined two ceilings by “fixing” toilets directly above them. I’ve destroyed computers, clothing, furniture, musical instruments, lawns, cars, air conditioners, and credit ratings because of my woeful ignorance and complete lack of mechanical skills. Maybe if they taught me how to a mow a lawn in high school, I wouldn’t run over so many sprinkler heads. Maybe I should have taken auto shop instead of trigonometry.

Except I don’t remember any trigonometry, so it’s pretty much a wash.

On Hating
On Being Hated

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11 Comments

  1. I was wondering when this would come up on your blog.My question is this: Say someone hits on me (in a bathroom or otherwise). I say “ew creep, get away.” Unless he flashes me or offers me money, this is not illegal.What Craig did (allegedly, I guess, but seriousy, is there any real question) is creepy and weird and wrong. But why is it illegal? Was there a question of prostitution involved? I haven’t read anything that said he offered money. Is it illegal because it was an airport bathroom and not, say, a restaurant bathroom? If he had actually had sex, I guess public decency laws get involved, but he tapped his shoe and moved his hand. I don’t get why this is illegal. It’s creepy, though.

  2. I’m not sure what the legality is, either. I do think, however, that there’s no doubt what he was there for, and the fact that he plead guilty speaks volumes. As a wise man said: “This is a free country. Everyone is innocent until they plead guilty.”

  3. Oh, yeah, I’m not defending him or thinking he was there for an innocent bathroom trip. I just wonder about the laws.As far as info goes, Google might actually be able to help you. Your problem may be that you’ve just never googled how to solicit gay sex in airport bathrooms.

  4. I have a masters degree from Columbia University, and I have never once actually used 1/20th of anything I’ve ever learned in a classroom, or even worked much in my “field”, but I am quite certain, most of what knowledge I have acquired, I learned while in college.Oh, and in Primary.*smirk*

  5. If you’re really interested, there are web sites that teach you what the “clues” are for certain areas if you want anonymous sex. That particular restroom was notorious and apparently the on line clues were those given by the Senator. There are other clues for truck stops or highway rest areas, and others for public park restrooms. These are the disgusting things you get to know when you work in criminal justice. Oh, and I know someone who hook you up with drugs too. 🙂 It’s all in who you know baby.