A Practical Priesthood Problem

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds its semi-annual General Conference this weekend, which I affectionately refer to as “church on TV.” Instead of dressing up in my Sunday finest, I will greet Sunday morning by sitting in my pajamas, eating bacon, and lying on the couch as church leaders offer televised counsel that has no dress code.

And by “church leaders,” I pretty much mean “dudes.”

Of course, this is not entirely true. Women speak at General Conference, too, and, for the first time in its 178-year-history, the conference will feature women offering the invocations and the benedictions at conference meetings. And with the lowering of the age of female church missionaries from 21 to 19, young women are signing up for missionary service in droves, including my 19-year-old niece who was recently called to the England Leeds Mission.

Behold the Niece of Stallion!

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It seems women are having a greater impact on the destiny of the church than they ever have before, which is leading some to question the church’s policy of limiting its priesthood authority to only one gender.

Please understand what I’m about to say here. I do not think that one gender is better than the other, yet I do believe it is essential that the priesthood be limited to either one gender or the other. It doesn’t matter to me which gender, mind you, but I really think you have to pick one.

Allow me to elaborate.

I have held a number of church positions in my life. My favorite callings all involve teaching, but every now and again, somebody decides I ought to be in some sort of leadership position. I’ve been a young men’s president, and, twice, a counselor in a bishopric.

Being a counselor in a bishopric is a significant commitment of time. This is especially true on Sundays, when a counselor’s day begins at the crack of dawn and doesn’t end until hours after everyone else has gone home. (And this is only a fraction of the time commitment required of a typical Mormon bishop.)

During all these hours spent away from your family, you are in close quarters with two other men, and you are discussing things that are often extraordinarily personal and confidential. You establish a powerful emotional and spiritual bond with these guys. In addition, you are often called upon to travel with these men, sometimes with only one and not the other.

I don’t think it’s sexism to recognize the practical problem that putting a woman into this mix would create.

I have a friend who’s a bishop who claims that this already presents a challenge in certain circumstances. Men and women working together in auxiliaries end up creating emotional ties that lead to places they wouldn’t otherwise have gone without the proximity of church service, which is usually difficult and problematic enough without introducing an additional element of sexual tension into the mix.

Of course, proximity doesn’t always lead to bad lovin’. Men and women work together in secular activities all the time, and grown-ups, even when they are attracted to each other, are capable of controlling themselves. But there is something intimate about priesthood service that would lend itself to inappropriateness more than a day-to-day “real world” job would. I don’t have hard evidence this is the case, but I think most who have participated in this process firsthand would know exactly what I’m talking about.

In my defense, I should note that while this is a problem that ought to be recognized, I don’t think it’s an insoluble one. You could conceivably create a coed priesthood where all leadership functions are performed by one gender or the other.

So, in other words, a woman called as a bishop would be required to call two female counselors, and counselors for dude bishops would be limited, as they currently are, to only the male half of the congregation.

Wow. I think that could work. But I’m not the guy calling the shots – for which you should be grateful.

Just as I will be grateful as I’m worshiping the Lord by sitting on my couch eating bacon.

Open the White House

A visit to the White House can be an arduous process. It requires months of advance preparation, because names have to submitted to the Secret Service in order to run background checks. Consequently, those who travel to the nation’s capitol often plan their itinerary around their appointment for a tour of the Executive Mansion. If you’re one of those with White House tickets in the next few months, prepare to be disappointed. It seems the Obama administration has scrapped your plans by cancelling all upcoming White House tours, citing budget cuts mandated by the sequester as the reason.

This explanation is stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Estimates place the amount of dollars saved from discontinuing the tours at $18,000 per week. That’s budget dust. To put that in to perspective, the Congressional Research Service estimates that it costs ten times that amount to keep Air Force One in the sky for a single hour. That would mean that a single round-trip transcontinental flight by the president burns up the entirety of the money budgeted for White House tours. The president’s most recent vacation to Hawaii cost a reported $7 million, a sum that could have funded all White House tours for the rest of the decade.

I’m not an Obama hater. But it’s very hard to avoid the conclusion that, with this decision, the Obama administration is acting in bad faith.

The financial savings are miniscule, but the unnecessary inconvenience inflicted by this capricious decision play into the narrative the president has been peddling for months.  Flying across the country in his very expensive jet, he has repeatedly warned of dire consequences should the federal government be forced to tighten its belt by a measly 2.4%. Now the cuts are here, and the sky hasn’t fallen. Surely the president must realize his credibility has taken a hit as the apocalypse he predicted has failed to materialize. It seems that by shutting down public access to the White House, he has now managed to inflict a little public misery in order to save face.

In any case, there’s something seriously out of whack here.

Many are justifiably outraged by this display of partisan pettiness. Billionaire Donald Trump has offered to foot the bill for the White House tours himself. That shouldn’t be necessary, and it’s embarrassing that it even has to be proposed. The White House belongs to the people, not to the president, and it’s disgraceful when anyone tries to use it as a political prop.

My Dog, He Is Fat

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MY DOG, HE IS FAT

a poem by Stallion Cornell

——

My dog, he is fat
My dog, he is fat
My dog, he is fat
Fat is my dog. He is. (Fat, I mean.)

——

(c) 2013, Stallion Cornell. May not be reproduced or replicated without express written or implied oral consent. May not be folded, spindled or mutilated.

——

Recently, I had the opportunity to sit down with famed poetry critic Lloyd Calamine, who discussed both the composition and thematic impact of my groundbreaking verse, “My Dog, He Is Fat.” The conversation was recorded and is transcribed below.

LLOYD: Thank you for taking the time to sit down with me, Stallion.

ME: It’s a pleasure to be here, Kent.

LLOYD: I thought my name was supposed to be Lloyd.

ME: Whatever.

LLOYD: Whatever, indeed! Which brings us to your magnum opus, “My Dog, He Is Fat. ”

ME: Yes.

LLOYD: What inspired the majesty and power of these four immortal lines?

ME: Many things, actually. Injustice. Plus the disconnect between the Platonic ideal and our savage reality. Stuff like that. Also, the fatness of my dog.

LLOYD: So your dog really is fat?

ME: He is fat, yes.

LLOYD: How fat?

ME: Somewhat.

LLOYD: Can you be more specific?

ME: Yes, but I choose not to be.

LLOYD: Ah. Are you then reticent to expand further on the powerful themes evoked by your deceptively simple stanza?

ME: Not at all. There’s a lot going on in those 24 words. I wouldn’t expect anyone to get it all in their first read.

LLOYD: And what are some of the more evocative elements that might not be apparent at first glance?

ME: Well, it’s not just a description of my fat dog, although, as I conceded before, my dog is, in fact, fat. But really, this piece takes it further, and I, as an omnipotent narrator, embody the owners of all fat dogs. In doing so, I give voice to the millions of observations that have pierced the collective unconscious on this universal subject.

LLOYD: In essence, then, you’re saying to anyone who’s ever looked at their dog and said, “Man, that dog is pretty fat,” that you are they.

ME: Well, that’s one way of looking at it, but it goes far deeper than that.

LLOYD: In what way?

ME: In every way.

LLOYD: Touché.

ME: Thank you, Kent.

LLOYD: Can you give us a taste of the process? What comes first: the general outline or the specific words? Does it evolve slowly, or does it arrive, fully formed, in your imagination?

ME: It’s difficult to say. I had long observed the fatness of my dog, but who can name the obese muse who demanded that this story be told in iambic pentameter?

LLOYD: I didn’t notice that. Is the poem written in iambic pentameter?

ME: To a degree. As my passion grew, so did my impatience with the limitations of that particular form. Consequently, I took liberties with the meter when the content required it.

LLOYD: A bold choice!

ME: Perhaps. For me, it was not a choice. I write as I must. I don’t have the luxury of flinching in the face of brazen truth.

LLOYD: Are you insinuating, then, that poets willing to accede to the strictures of any preassigned meter don’t share your moral courage?

ME: I can’t judge their hearts. But yes.

LLOYD: So why have you succeeded where lesser poets have failed?

ME: Drugs, mostly.

LLOYD: But of course! Clean living has been the downfall of so many great artists.

ME: Look what it did to Lawrence Welk.

LLOYD: To be fair, he was a foreigner.

ME: Canine obesity knows no borders, Kent.

LLOYD: Oh, I know that. I’m a racist, that’s all.

ME: Racism is bad. You should know that if you truly read my poem.

LLOYD: Ah. Here’s where it gets embarrassing. I haven’t actually read your poem.

ME: What?

LLOYD: I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment.

ME: Well, sure, but -

LLOYD: I’m not like you. I didn’t get into the poetry game for the wine, women, and song. I did it for the money. Big money. High stakes poetry, that’s me.

ME: Then I advise you not to read my poetry. It will indict your soul.

LLOYD: I have no soul. (He commences weeping.)

ME: I can’t help but notice that you’ve commenced weeping.

LLOYD: Nothing escapes your keen, penetrating eyes!

ME: Alas, only one of my eyes is keen and penetrating. The other is playful-yet-vapid.

LLOYD: Oh, my leg! (He dies of joint pain. Exeunt.)

ME: I need a bath. (I brush my teeth instead.)

Fin

Equal Time for Catholics

The title of this post maybe somewhat misleading. I am not a Catholic, nor do I have any intention of becoming a Catholic. But I’ve had the opportunity to contribute to editorials for the Deseret News about the retired pope and the newly elected one, and my admiration and respect for both men and the organization they were chosen to lead grows with each passing day.

So many observers were hoping and praying for a new Holy Father who would abandon both scripture and tradition and allow members of this venerable institution to ignore all teachings they find uncomfortable or inconvenient. Instead, they have been and will be led by men of integrity who stand fixed and immovable as the chasm between the values of the world and the values of the church grows ever wider.

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I greatly appreciate that, mainly because society at large is doing everything it can to marginalize the influence and even the validity of religion as an institutional participant in secular life. And I’m keenly aware of the fact that what’s going to happen to my church in that process is going to happen to the Catholic Church first.

I’ve thought about that these past couple of days as I’ve watched a slew of friends change their Facebook profile pictures to “equal” signs in support of legalized gay marriage. I’ve written enough on that particular subject that I have no interest in addressing the specifics again here. That debate has played out to the point where there are very few minds or positions to be changed with further discussion. Indeed, those equal signs are a clear indication that gay marriage opponents have lost the battle over framing the issue, and subsequently the entire war in the process.

From henceforth and forever, being opposed to any form of gay marriage for any reason is an announcement that you are a champion of inequality. It is tantamount to advocating the return of segregated drinking fountains and trying to get people who are different from you to ride in the back of the bus. All who advocate even the slightest degree of caution in redefining an institution that may well predate civilization itself can now be dismissed with no intellectual effort. Such people are now bigots, haters, homophobes. As such, they can no longer legitimately participate in the discussions that will shape the brave new world in which we now live.

It’s already happening.

Catholic charities and adoption agencies are getting tremendous pushback because of their unwillingness to ignore their own unpopular doctrines about the family. The pressure will continue to grow, and the church will likely find it difficult, if not impossible, to function as they have for centuries. The Catholic Church, as well as all other like-minded so-called religious bigots, will likely lose their tax-exempt status in the United States at the hands of the agents of equality who will use that noble ideal to equate Catholics and Mormons and their ilk with Klansmen or Nazi skinheads or any other kind of loathsome hate group that is rightfully despised by people of goodwill everywhere.

Again, it is already happening.

Please understand that I believe we are all equal in the sight of God, and we should all be equal in the sight of the law. No human being should be subject to cruelty or even unkindness, and hatred does nothing but corrode and destroy. Understand, too, that these are ideals I have been taught as bedrock principles of my religious faith. These are also ideals that are taught from every pulpit in the Catholic Church.

Eroding the influence of such religious voices may now seem to be a good idea in order to achieve certain policy goals, but the long-term effect will be an erosion of not just the institutions, but the morality they espouse that has done much to make the world a better place.

So, despite my many theological differences with my Catholic friends, I stand united with them in countering the movement to consign religious faith to the dustbin of history. When it comes to defending the right to faith, we are all Catholics now.

Hell

My Esteemed Colleague and I have had many lengthy and contentious political exchanges of late, most of them focused around his newfound appreciation for Joseph Stalin and the assignment of responsibility for the instigation of the Korean War. I shan’t recount all the details here, but, instead, will focus on one subset of the discussion that has triggered a theological reassessment on my part.

Specifically, My Esteemed Colleague believes that raising children to follow any given religion constitutes child abuse, because all religions are based on irrational threats of eternal damnation and hell.

So let’s talk about hell.

satanI can recall being quite terrified as an impressionable youngster by certain passages in the Book of Mormon that seem to coincide with My Esteemed Colleague’s diagnosis. Witness this pleasant little passage from 2 Nephi 28:23:

Yea, they are grasped with death, and hell; and death, and hell, and the devil, and all that have been seized therewith must stand before the throne of God, and be judged according to their works, from whence they must go into the place prepared for them, even a lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment.

Yowsa.

This kept me awake at night. I remember looking up the word “brimstone” and realizing the lake of such stuff would not be a pleasant place to spend eternity. It wasn’t until I brought my terror to the attention of my mother, who was allegedly abusing me by indoctrinating me into Mormondom, that I gained a new, and, I think, proper perspective.

In a nutshell, Mom explained that we Mormons believe that endless torment isn’t endless.

“Excuse me?” you may ask, as I did at the time.  ”What’s that supposed to mean?”

She directed me to the 19th section of the Doctrine and Covenants, which contains this gem in verse six:

Nevertheless, it is not written that there shall be no end to this torment, but it is written endless torment.

Confused yet? I was. The rest of the section, however, sheds a bit more light on the subject.

4 And surely every man must repent or suffer, for I, God, am endless.

5 Wherefore, I revoke not the judgments which I shall pass, but woes shall go forth, weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth, yea, to those who are found on my left hand.

6 Nevertheless, it is not written that there shall be no end to this torment, but it is written endless torment.

7 Again, it is written eternal damnation; wherefore it is more express than other scriptures, that it might work upon the hearts of the children of men, altogether for my name’s glory.

8 Wherefore, I will explain unto you this mystery, for it is meet unto you to know even as mine apostles.

9 I speak unto you that are chosen in this thing, even as one, that you may enter into my rest.

10 For, behold, the mystery of godliness, how great is it! For, behold, I am endless, and the punishment which is given from my hand is endless punishment, for Endless is my name. Wherefore—

11 Eternal punishment is God’s punishment.

12 Endless punishment is God’s punishment.

My favorite part of this is where the Lord admits that references to hell are “more express than other scriptures,” because such language will “work upon the hearts of the children of men, altogether for my name’s glory.” In other words, the Lord concedes that he uses such language to scare the hell out of people, so to speak, and sometimes that makes people better. But with regard to actual hell, I learned long ago that one need not fear that God will inflict infinite punishment for finite offenses. The punishment may be described as endless, in that there will, always and forever be punishment for sin, but no matter our level of wickedness, our participation in such endless punishment will only be transitory.

This, among other things, sets Mormonism apart from orthodox Christianity, which generally preaches a static heaven and hell, both of which are fixed and immutable. As such, I fear both. A static heaven sounds tremendously boring, and a static hell is too monstrous to contemplate. According to the doctrines of my church, I have no real fear of hell in the traditional sense that My Esteemed Colleague might recognize, and I make every effort to teach my children that the goal in following Christ is not to avoid hell, but rather to receive as many benefits of heaven as are available in this life and the life that’s coming.

So what’s coming?

Well, Mormons preach that the actual division closest to the static heaven/hell model can only be found between death and the final judgment, but even in that case, the Mormon version differs significantly from tradition, and we teach that people will have the opportunity to get out of the figurative brimstone lake. The division only exists as a result of people’s acceptance of Christ, and, should they accept Christ when given the opportunity in the world of spirits where we will live prior to the Resurrection, they will end up on paradise, not prison. This solves the theological quandary that has plagued Christianity for millennia: i.e.what happens to all the people who die without any opportunity to accept Christ’s sacrifice? Traditional explanations suggest that they end up burning forever through no fault of their own. What kind of unjust, hideous deity would create something and that inflict eternal suffering upon it for crimes it was never given the chance to understand?

Thankfully, God is both just and unhideous.

After the Judgment and Resurrection, everyone will be assigned to a Kingdom of Glory, and even the most loathsome and foul among us will eternally enjoy a redemption that “surpasses all understanding.” (Doctrine and Covenants 76:89) So people who reject Jesus’ payment on their behalf will eventually pay for their own sins, and that payment may be lengthy and miserable, but once the account is settled, an eternity of glory and happiness awaits them.

Glimpses of this worldview can be found in the Bible. In the 16th Psalm, David, after having murdered Uriah in order to get adulterous access to his bride,rejoices that God “will not leave my soul in hell.” Note that he doesn’t claim that he’ll avoid hell altogether, only that God won’t abandon him there.

The doctrine does suggest, however, that there is a tiny, tiny sliver of humanity that will receive an eternal reward comparable to being abandoned eternally. These are the so-called “Sons of Perdition,” who commit what is called the “sin against the Holy Ghost.” In the New Testament, Matthew 12: 31-32, the Savior himself speaks about the “unpardonable sin:”

“Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come.”

Mormons believe that committing this sin is very, very difficult to do, and 99.9% of all the people who come to this world wouldn’t be able to do it even if they tried. Joseph Smith described at as follows:

“He has got to say that the sun does not shine while he sees it; he has got to deny Jesus Christ when the heavens have been opened unto him, and to deny the plan of salvation with his eyes open to the truth of it.”

In other words, to commit the unpardonable sin, one would have to, by means of the Holy Ghost, have a perfect, unassailable knowledge of who Jesus is and what he did, and then knowingly, willfully oppose him anyway. That requires a level of knowledge that has been given to only a tiny group of people throughout all of history, and, among those with that capacity, such deliberate rejection of the truth is exceedingly rare indeed. I think, out of the billions who go through the mortal experience, the people who will ultimately be subjected to such a fate can likely be counted on one hand.

As I get older, and watch people from all walks of life muddle through the disappointments and miseries of mortality, I become increasingly confident that the Lord did not send us here to fail. He operates according to his own timetable, but whether in this life or the next, it is likely that more of us will come to appreciate his mercy, and the reward that awaits us is far, far greater than we can now conceive.

North Korea sucks.

All Order of the Arrow Ordeal Secrets Revealed – Again!

Don’t worry – the incendiary headline is strictly for Google’s benefit.

My most popular posts, in which I supposedly reveal the innermost secrets of the Order of the Arrow (OA) AKA the pseudo-Taliban wing of the Boy Scouts of America, continue to attract an unreasonable amount of attention from angry Boy Scouts who think I have violated a sacred trust I established when I was hazed by white guys in Indian headdresses thirty-plus years ago.

If you need a history of my squabbles therewith, the original post can be found here; my follow-up where I discover I’m top-ranked in OA ordeal Google searches is here, and a particularly nasty follow-up on the subject can be found here.

I always find myself amazed at the incoherence of the comments that show up after all these years. You can see them yourself in the comments section in the sidebar, but some of them are just too delicious to avoid calling more attention to them.

Witness today’s excursion into rhetorical genius from our new friend “AnnoyedScout”:

Ordeal is not really a horrible thing and if you had any sense you would take this down; or at least edit it. You make it seem like they kill you just so you can get ordeal level. Having gone through ordeal it is not as horrible as people may think. If you actually got to first class and above without your parents doing everything for you like me it is easier than if your parents did. I do not think this reflects the OA at all. There are a lot of fun things about ordeal. Also ruining OA secrets for people just seeing how wretched this site is like all of the others is not okay. If I sent this to national you would be in so much trouble. If you remember in your induction you promised not to tell anyone any of this.

Except I don’t remember. Anything. I remember people smacking me in the back of the head if I peeked while they led me around on a rope, and I remember freezing and starving and doing slave labor, but if there are super secret loincloth secrets, I don’t remember what they were. And I haven’t revealed them here – not out of principle, but out of, you know, not remembering any of them.

I asked AnnoyedScout if he would, in fact, report me to the BSA national office, and that I’d be happy to print any nasty letter they send to me in its entirety. I shudder to think what other “trouble” I might be in. Can the BSA slash my credit rating? Or just revoke my neckerchief privileges?

Here’s another party recently heard from – someone who playfully refers to themselves as “Order of the Arrow member.”

That is a time honored ceremony going back hundreds of yours you disgrace the brotherhood by reveling these secrets

Not to put too fine a point on it, but, no, it does not go back hundreds of mine. Or yours. Or even years, for that matter. It goes back to 1915, when the Order was first established. Am I supposed to presume that Abraham, Isaac and Jacob were Order of the Arrow members and were given a carrot and a gumdrop for dinner?

But I love reveling secrets. Revelry is always fun, unless the Order of the Arrow is involved.

Here’s “Zach Ness” from late last year:

I didn’t think ordeal was that bad i’ve been through worse not that i care a whole lot for the organization i just think if kids wanna be in it its their problem and if parents wanna force their kids into it shame on them but the order deserves better then this…

Better than what?

These are the bad eggs that deserve whatever Dixie Cup boiling they get. But I also had a pleasant exchange with a guy named Randall Cone from Atlanta, who was gracious enough to use his own name, proper grammar, and reasonable arguments. Here is his summation:

[The] OA just wasn’t for you at that time. Just as people who don’t skydive aren’t defective and people who smoke aren’t ALL dangerous (just a few of them). The guys that elected you may not have known you very well and the responsibility of the vote is to select the boys that WILL fit in with OA. I was inducted at age 16. When I was 14 I would have hated every second of my ordeal. If you completed ordeal then you are entitled to maintain your membership. Maybe you should attend a few functions and be one of the people that insure that ordeal isn’t the experience that you had. They still camp but most of the time it’s in permanent shelters with mattresses and good food.

Randall Cone
Atlanta, GA

Fair enough. And I have received a number of off-blog reports from people I respect that much of the hazing extremes that marred my own experience have been curtailed in the current order. So more power to them.

I should note, however, that the good Mr. Cone has revealed just as much detail about the OA as I ever have. Are you reporting him to “national” too, AnnoyedScout? I’d hate to be the guy that kept Randall Cone out of a neckerchief.

Up Yours, GOP!

I continue to receive messages
from my well-intentioned lefty friends about what we besotted Republicans could or should do to improve our electoral fortunes the next time out. The latest, which three people have sent me, is a link to a New York Times article that claims the GOP is doomed due to its technological obsolescence. I’d link to it, except I haven’t bothered to read it, not do I think I will.

The fact is, I don’t care if a Republican ever holds the White House again.

That’s not to say that I have become a Democrat, or a Joe Biden fan, or that I’m all on board the Hillary Express. It’s that I now have a clearer, albeit bleaker, picture of where the country is, or, more specifically, where it has chosen to be.

This is a country that is careening toward insolvency, and, barring some unforeseen cataclysmic shift in public sentiment, it will never elevate anyone to the highest office in the land that has the cojones to say as much. Any Republican that can conquer the overwhelming demographic obstacles that stand in the way of a Republican victory in the electoral college will also have to advocate positions that will make him or her part of the insoluble problem.

As squabbles continue about guns or abortion or global warming or taxes or defense spending or health care gay rights or foreign policy or Benghazi or the president’s vacations or what Michelle O’s hair looks like, it feels more and more hollow.

None of it matters. None of it matters at all.

Does anyone care now what the Soviet Union’s position on gay marriage was? No? So why should we care what the United States policy is on gay marriage or anything else if there’s not going to be a United States?

Because, you know, there isn’t going to be a United States.

This is not wild-eyed alarmism; it is a statement of fact. The course we are on with the demographic trends that drive our mandatory spending will bury us in debt to the point that we will no longer be able to function as a nation. The amount of money necessary to meet our entitlement obligations in the future does not exist. If we don’t acknowledge it now, the math will make it happen for us. And it will happen, regardless of how high we raise our taxes, how much we cut our discretionary spending, and who’s sitting on the Supreme Court.

That doesn’t mean we’ll all die and the country will be sucked into a black hole. It does mean, however, that we’ll have to start over. Neither you nor I know what that looks like, and maybe it won’t be apocalyptic. But it will have to happen. Nobody holding office in any party is even thinking about taking credible steps to stop it. And the longer we wait, the harder it will be to slow the gathering inertia.

So I’m supposed to rally around the flag? Come to the aid of the party? Call the guy with the donkey on his shirt a monster while making excuses for idiots that think the national discussion should focus on laws forcing women to carry the children of their rapists?

Yeah, no thanks.

This is bleak, I know. But I’m not trying to get all Glenn Beck on you. Don’t head for the hills and hunker down in a heavily-armed bunker with your food storage. The life that’s coming for the rest of us left behind in civilization won’t suck as hard as bunker life will. The Soviet Union is gone, but Russia is still there. We’ll still be here, too.

So, bottom line, understand that I have zero party loyalty and no enthusiasm for a political process that has put the destruction of the nation on autopilot. And I will jump back into the fray the moment that any guy in any party demonstrates both a willingness and a capacity to steer the Titanic away from the iceberg instead of rearranging the deck chairs.

I have not seen that guy. I’m certainly not that guy. In fact, I don’t think there is such a guy.

I’m bracing for impact.

(Thank you! I’m here all week! Tip your waitresses! Try the veal!)

The Official Mormon Position On Evolution

Surprise! There isn’t one.

“What the church requires is only belief that Adam was the first man of what we would call the human race,” said LDS Church President Gordon B. Hinckley in a comment cited in the book Where Darwin Meets the Bible: Creationists and Evolutionists in America. He then went on to say that “scientists can speculate on the rest” and that, with regard to his own studies in both geology and anthropology, ”Studied all about it. Didn’t worry me then. Doesn’t worry me now.”

That’s exactly where I am on the issue. I find it somewhat interesting, but I don’t attach any theological import to it. Whether the earth was zapped into existence in 24 hours on October 15, 3004 BC, or if it’s been around for the four quadrillion years L. Ron Hubbard thinks it has, neither scenario poses any intellectual or spiritual obstacle to my faith. The same is true with regard to humanity – if we popped up like daisies a few thousand years ago, great. If generations upon generations of ancestral apes were involved, great.

Of course, not all my fellow Mormons feel that way.

“Is the theory of evolution compatible with the doctrine of the Fall?  No,” wrote Joseph Fielding McConkie, an emeritus professor at BYU, a very bright and personable man, and my mission president when I served as a full-time missionary in Scotland a couple of decades ago. (I know the guy; I like him a lot.) He continues: “We can tug, twist, contort, and sell our birthright, but we cannot overcome the irreconcilable differences between the theory of organic evolution and the doctrine of the Fall.”

His position is consistent with the writings of his prolific father, Elder Bruce R. McConkie, who served as an apostle in the church. In Mormon Doctrine, his encylopaedic approach to the faith, he stated unequivocally that ”There is no harmony between the truths of revealed religion and the theories of organic evolution.” He labeled Latter-Day Saints who accepted scientific evolutionary theories as having minds that were “weak and puerile.”

Both men can trace their intellectual pedigree on this issue to the writings of Joseph Fielding Smith, the elder McConkie’s father-in-law and the younger McConkie’s grandfather who, like Gordon B. Hinckley, also served as President of the Church.

“This idea that everything commenced from a small beginning, from the scum upon the surface of the sea, and has gradually developed until all forms of life, the beasts of the field, the fowls of the air, the fishes of the sea, and the plants upon the face of the earth, have all sprung from that one source, is a falsehood absolutely,” he wrote in his seminal work Man: His Origin and Destiny.  ”There is no truth in it, for God has given us his word by which we may know.”

Well, that’s authoritative, no?

No.

In a letter to Dr. A. Kent Christensen,  Department of Medical Anatomy, Cornell University Medical College, then-church president David O. McKay, who happens to be my great-grandfather, wrote the following:

_____

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
47 E. South Temple Street
Salt Lake City, Utah
David O. McKay, President

February 3, 1959

Dr. A. Kent Christensen
Department of Anatomy
Cornell University Medical College
1300 York Avenue
New York 21, New York

Dear Brother Christensen:

I have your letter of January 23, 1959 in which you ask for a statement of the Church’s position on the subject of evolution.

The Church has issued no official statement on the subject of the theory of evolution.

Neither ‘Man, His Origin and Destiny’ by Elder Joseph Fielding Smith, nor ‘Mormon Doctrine’ by Elder Bruce R. McConkie, is an official publication of the Church. . . .

Sincerely yours,

[signed]

David O. McKay
(President)

______

President McKay was a firm believer in organic evolution as well as the principles of geological time. Other prominent church leaders on the pro-evolution side of the ledger include apostles James E. Talmage, who penned the official church publications The Articles of Faith and Jesus the Christ, as well as B.H. Roberts, one of the finest theologians the church has ever known. The fact of the matter is that the Lord has not yet seen fit to reveal the specific process by which either the earth or humanity was created, and anyone taking a hard line one way or the other is doing so on their own initiative, regardless of the church office they may hold.

All this, however, is prelude to my attempt to clarify and record my own personal and ill-informed theories on the subject, which probably won’t make either side happy at all.

I’ve wanted to write this up since a friend of mine on Facebook posted a link to a site called “Conservapedia,” which posits that a penchant for limited government also goes hand in hand with Adam and Eve riding on the backs of dinosaurs six thousand years ago. 

hamdinoI don’t understand why one goes with the other, but to each his own, I guess.

Frequently, I claim that I don’t care, or that it doesn’t matter, or that everyone is free to believe what they want. Well, that’s all well and good, but what is it that I actually believe?

Keep in mind that I have absolutely no background in biology, so what I believe is colored by a hefty dose of good old fashioned ignorance. That said, I think there is much in my faith that is uniquely consistent with evolution and at odds with an orthodox Christian worldview.

The first and most significant difference is in the rejection of “Ex Nihilo,” or “out of nothing” creation.

I wrote about this extensively before, but, in a nutshell, most Christians believe that for a long time there was Nothing, and then, at some point God decided there should be Something, so then the universe popped in to existence. Mormons, on the other hand, have scriptures that teach that “[i]ntelligence, or the light of truth, was not created or made, neither indeed can be,” (D&C 93:29) and that “[t]he elements are eternal.” (D&C 93:33) So the act of creation wasn’t about wiggling the divine nose a la Samantha from Bewitched; it was about fashioning things out of stuff that was already there, and, indeed, had always been there.

This is the way it works in our own experience. When we talk about people who make cars, we don’t assume Ford pickups are created ex nihilo. We understand that the creators actually fashioned steel and rubber and whatever else to make what they make. So when God created the world, He fashioned pre-existing raw materials into what we have now.

Given that premise, it’s very hard for me to understand how any Mormon can get behind the idea of a “young earth.” Whatever it is this earth is made out of, it’s been around for pretty much forever, and we ought to embrace the idea that the raw materials are very, very old indeed. I think I’m on solid-and-uncreated ground in assuming that a lengthy geological history is intellectually consistent with the Doctrine and Covenants. So let me leave solid ground for a moment and speculate a bit.

This is one of my weird little theories that may sound slightly Scientological, but bear with me. Since the elements are eternal, why isn’t it possible that parts of this earth are recycled from something that may have gone before? Chunks of this planet could have been cobbled together from previous planets, and some of those previous planets could have had dinosaurs on them billions of years ago. Wouldn’t that be an explanation that could be consistent with any theory of life or death this time around?

Of course, my wife, the lovely Mrs. Cornell, thinks this supposition is the height of ridiculousness, and she refers to it as my “Dinosaurs-fell-from-the-sky” theory, as if God littered the earth with old bones to confuse us, much in the same way the Flying Spaghetti Monster claims to have done. Pastafarians who worship the Noodly Appendaged One claim that “[t]he Flying Spaghetti Monster buried dinosaur bones under earth’s crust to give the appearance that these creatures really existed long ago, when in fact he’s just hiding the fact that dinosaurs walked along the side of men. He does this all for ‘His Divine Amusement.’”

fsm
I think both are misrepresentation of my own crackpot theory, of which I, myself, am not fully convinced. I entertain the possibility that, yes, dinosaurs walked the earth, but it was the previous earth to this earth, and some of them were left over from the earth that was.

OK, actually typing that out for the first time actually made me realize how goofy that sounds. That’s not to say I don’t believe it, sort of, only that I have no factual basis for it and no stomach to defend it. Moving on…

It’s noteworthy that the Judeo-Christian creation story is already suggestive of some sort of evolutionary process. If God created Something out of Nothing in an instant, why did he bother to create the earth in phases, with lower forms of life being created prior to higher forms of life? How did that happen? How much of the story is figurative, and how much is literal? It’s interesting to note that the McConkies, who insist that evolutionary theory should be given no leeway, also believe that the story of the Fall and the eating of the apple is, itself, figurative and not literal. How do they know that? They don’t. And neither do I. But it doesn’t seem too difficult to extrapolate some kind of evolution inherent in the creation story, even if it’s one that doesn’t line up note-for-note with Darwinian theory.

The McConkies, who, again, I like and respect immensely, would reject these arguments and play what they consider to be a scriptural trump card, namely Doctrine and Covenants section 77:6, which contains the following Socratic exchange about the Book of Revelation:
_____

Q. What are we to understand by the book which John saw, which was sealed on the back with seven seals?

A. We are to understand that it contains the revealed will, mysteries, and the works of God; the hidden things of his economy concerning this earth during the seven thousand years of its continuance, or its temporal existence.

_____

Well, there it is. Silly me; the earth is only 7,000 years old. Sorry I wasted your time. The end.

But, hey, howsabout all that stuff about eternal elements and intelligence that I cited earlier? Surely the dirt of which the earth is made is older than 7,000 years – it’s so old, in fact, that it can’t really be measured. Is that what D&C 77 is saying – the physical planet has only existed for 7,000 years? Because that’s not just inconsistent with science; it’s inconsistent with scripture.

7,000 years isn’t the chronological age of dirt; it’s the length of earth’s “continuance” or “temporal existence.” So what does that mean?

I think of it in these terms. How old is the city of London?

According to Wikipedia, the source of all wisdom, the city was founded in 43 AD and first referred to as “Londinium” a little less than a century later. Did London exist prior to 43 AD? Well, physically, yes, of course it did. The Thames was flowing, but it wasn’t called the Thames. All the dirt was presumably there, too, but it wasn’t called London, because there was no one there to call it London. So it really wasn’t quite London yet, despite its geographical relationship to the town and then city that would later occupy that spot of ground.

History is concerned with chronology and where there is no chronology, there isn’t really any history to speak of, either. Anthropologists refer to the era prior to man’s arrival as “pre-history,” as in “prehistoric times.” So when does history begin?

Specifically, if the chunks of matter that make up the earth have always existed, at what point did they participate in earth’s “continuance” or “temporal,” i.e. time-based, “existence?” I submit that the criteria is the same as that of when London began.

History began when people showed up who were capable of recording time, which would require mathematics, writing, and philosophy – in a word, civilization. It’s not scientifically ludicrous to say that, regardless of biological origins, functional human civilization is somewhere around 7,000 years old, give or take. In any case, I don’t think the idea of earth’s 7,000 year-old temporal existence mentioned in Latter-Day Saint scripture ought to be viewed through an ex nihilo filter, nor do I think it presents a significant intellectual roadblock to credible theories about the origins of both the earth and the life upon it.

So there you have it. My biological manifesto riddled with ignorance, just as I warned you it would be. You are not required to agree or disagree with any of it in order to consider yourself a faithful Latter-Day Saint, nor should anyone of faith fear additional light and knowledge on this subject, whether it comes from a biology class or a Sunday School class, and regardless of how weak or puerile your intellect may be.

Maybe there are dinosaurs living in the center of the earth, like mole people.

Boy Scout Issues

It goes without saying that I am no fan of the Boy Scouts of America. Just about every trauma in my youth had some sort of scouting connection. And, on principle, I think the decision to even consider homosexuality as having any sort of bearing on membership in that benighted organization to be backward and silly.

But just for the sake of argument, let’s consider it anyway.

Back in 1993, when President Clinton was considering lifting the ban on homosexuals on active military duty, then–Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Colin Powell rejected the contention that excluding gays from the military was akin to racial discrimination and instead compared it to a reluctance to live in close quarters with someone of the opposite sex. A military man with tremendous respect for women would recoil at the idea of unisex bathrooms where men and women shower together. That may make him a prude, but it doesn’t make him a misogynist.

In a nutshell, the idea was that life in uniform is strenuous enough without introducing unnecessary elements of sexual tension into the mix. (All that may end up changing now that women are going to be assigned to the front lines, but that’s a discussion for another day.) In any case, Powell’s arguments were ultimately rejected, and now even President Clinton’s feeble “don’t ask, don’t tell” compromise has been repealed.

The sky hasn’t fallen.

Recent academic studies suggest that the repeal has not had a negative impact on the military overall. One might be tempted, then, to conclude that General Powell’s concerns were unfounded, and only bigotry can account for opposition to the idea of the Boy Scouts of America following the military’s lead and lifting their own restriction against gay scouts. Certainly bigotry is an issue. It is not, however, the only issue. Indeed, Powell’s argument carries far more weight when talking about adolescents and not adults.

Those serving in the military are old enough and mature enough to deal with the complexities of sexual attraction amid their ranks. The same cannot be said for 13-year-old boys with hormones a’blazin’.  These are kids who are only beginning to understand the strangeness of their own bodies and what they ought to, or ought not to, be doing with them.

Can anyone persuasively argue that pubescent boys should be going on overnight camping trips together and sharing tents with pubescent girls? What a recipe for disaster that would be. One could expect a lot of scouting pregnancies to result from the annual 50-mile hike.

Could openly homosexual scouts create situations that were equally problematic?

Well, in the pregnancy sense, no, they couldn’t. That’s simple biology. But what about in the emotionally scarring sense? And I’m not just talking about the relatively few instances where a straight kid would face unwanted advances from a gay one. Given the difficulties of understanding and coping with sexuality at that age, the danger of “out and proud” flamboyant Eagles making life uncomfortable for the Tenderfoot heteros really doesn’t strike me as a widespread problem. I’m far more concerned about the gay scouts themselves. Bullying, in my experience, is a Boy Scout tradition. Remember, I used to get beaten up on scout outings because I was a weirdo. I shudder to think what my scouting fate would have been if I were gay besides.

This isn’t just an abstract matter of principle. A significant increase in hazing incidents would present an unacceptable liability risk for the BSA as an organization. Are they prepared for that? Can the BSA survive as an institution if they make this level of a paradigm shift without a clutch?

There are hopeful signs that such a thing is possible. Canada’s scouting organization makes no effort to discriminate against gays, and the sky hasn’t fallen there, either. But it’s important to note that once the ban is lifted, there is no going back. It’s not bigotry to consider all the ramifications of such a decision before jumping in when you can’t jump back out again.

Bottom line: no scout, gay or straight, should ever have to be inducted into the Order of the Arrow. 

Some Housekeeping Items

In no particular order:

1) Nick Smith sent me a note claiming he was a 17-year-old kid and would I please stop picking on him. I suspect he’s not a real guy – a prank engineered by someone who fully realized how stupid he looked. Alas, my attempt to replace Languatron as my online arch-enemy was not to be.

2) As at least two commenters have noticed, the Shatner’s Toupee blog is gone. Simply gone. It had been essentially inactive since the summer, but it came back on New Year’s Day with a message that it was about to rise from the ashes. And then it was yanked off the web entirely. I have no idea why. It is not, however, lost forever, as the Internet never forgets. I have no idea who was writing it, although I did send them a message and offer my services to keep the chronicle going in their absence, but I never heard back. My Esteemed Colleague suspects Shatner’s people objected and it was yanked. I’m not willing to go that far in my own theories, but it’s a mystery why he or she would feel it necessary to remove a tremendous amount of well-written content, rather than just continuing to leave the place untended.

In any case, I have wept for the lost Shatner’s Toupee all this while, yea, and I shall weep a while longer.

3) Languatron has completely isolated himself from all human contact, so there’s little point in my carrying on our feud, which began well over a decade ago. That said, he continues to rage against the massive anti-Galactica conspiracy at his own blog, wherein he made an admission that’s worth noting here.

Languatron, AKA Andrew Fullen, has written a number of self-published vanity “books” lamenting the vast anti-Galactica conspiracy, and many of us have taken to reviewing them on Amazon.com. In every case, however, each negative review has been matched, word for word, with a positive one from people who sound strangely like Languatron himself. This is quite a feat, because to be able to review a book multiple times, you have to have bought something from the account used for the review, making it hard for people to dress up in sock puppets and give themselves five stars. That means Languatron was willing to buy a bunch of crap under fake names just to bump up his ratings. Those names included:

Joshua Remington Vegas, Danny Flapjacks, Debbie Miranda McAllister, Roll Fizzle-Beef, Ronald D. Lunkhead, TwoBrainedCylon – a name he stole from one of his critics, RGrant Losing bets extraordinaire, Bold Bigflank, Alberta Larsononi Von Eick, Gripe Bransford Singher-Moore, Butch Crackheap, Ronald Remington Meyer, Blasphemous Butt-Hockey, Black Tower Fuzzy Slippers, bookreader, Dash Canyon, Tad Udowitz, Jameson Claymore, Ron Meyer CEO of the Universal Corporation, Russell Udowitz Sanders, Walter S. Langley, Dank Thistlenads, J.T. Charmichael, RGrant nickname Slab Bulkhead, and, of course, Stallion_Cornell Moist Box, as well as Stallion_Cornell My Moist Box is your Moist Box.

Phew.

Well, Amazon.com finally figured out what was going on and deleted all of them.

Languatron, therefore, has put them all back online at his “Fortress of Doom.” He claims that “Universal Studios and Amazon.com didn’t like all of the favorable and legitimate reviews the books criticizing Universal Studios were getting on Amazon.com.” He goes further, claiming that Universal studios “posts fake, negative book reviews,” including mine, with the following explanation:

“The negative, fake, and stealth marketed written reviews of the books remaining on Amazon.com have an air of desperation about them, don’t they? (1) They don’t sound like real, legitimate reviews (2) the reviews sound like they are all serving a singular agenda (keep the books from getting read at all costs)…(3) And that the personal lives of everyone who wrote those negative reviews would be seriously modified not to their liking if the books were read.”

In the interests of countering Universal Studios’ monopolistic control of the web, I offer you Lang’s “legitimate” reviews for your perusal.

4) My columns at the Deseret News continue to be printed. Please read them.

I actually had something to say here, but my housekeeping has taken up 680 words. So I’ll post it tomorrow. Until then, this is Bold Bigflan Thistlenads, signing off.